One of the most common reasons people resist making changes in their lives is that strong emotion caused by the anticipation or awareness of danger—FEAR. Fear can be one of two things: False Expectations Appearing Real (meaning irrational fear that has no foundation.) OR Fear can be based on reasonable thoughts that you really are in danger.
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One of the key issues I see in my work with clients is the inability to use boundaries and boundary-setting in a way that is healthy and productive for relationships. Boundaries are key! Why are they so important? Because if you don’t figure out how to set healthy boundaries, one or both of you will probably often be triggered, flooded, and unable to function well in your relationship. Without boundaries, you could (without realizing it) actually be feeding your relationship dysfunction instead of standing up for what’s best or right for you and the relationship.
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Everyone longs to live in peace. We can have money, opportunity, a lovely home, and children, and yet we’re not happy if we don’t have peace in our marriage. I consider myself a seasoned marriage counselor. And, while I feel excited at the prospect of helping each new couple and working through the challenge ahead, high-conflict couples can sometimes strain my capabilities.
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Infidelity is doubtlessly a tumultuous experience for a relationship to go through. However, recovery from such shattering turmoil is possible. The idea that an affair necessarily means failure is misleading and detrimental. Affairs do often lead to break ups; however, sometimes affairs can lead to the couple taking a deep dive into the work required to renew their relationship. In such cases, it is possible that the affair is a wake-up call catalyzing a more honest, intimate, and stronger relationship. While no therapist would condone an affair, certainly one could encourage understanding the dynamics and incentive that led to it
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An affair, physical or emotional, is a betrayal of the worst kind. The one to whom you’ve entrusted your life, who you’ve shared every intimate aspect of living with, now has shared those very aspects of their being with someone else—a place and part of them that should be reserved exclusively for you. You trusted someone with your heart, soul and emotions; you counted on them to keep you safe. An affair shatters the trust, safety, and honesty you believed in.
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Undergoing a divorce can be overwhelming and traumatic. The momentous task of navigating emotional struggles, as well as practical arrangements such as custody, finances, asset division, etc., can take every ounce of strength and then some. It is important in such a situation to remember that, though feelings are strong right now, you will eventually move past it all.
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Do you ever find yourself acting contrary to what you know is good or what you really want to be about? Or perhaps you know someone who says the right things and seems to present good intentions, but, in fact, they do not actually do much that is consistent with such beliefs. I call this self-deception.
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Infidelity as Trauma No person has ever said, “I cannot wait to fall in love, give myself completely to my spouse, and then find out one day that he or she has cheated on me!” In marital relationships, sexual betrayal elicits a trauma response. Sexual betrayal is extraordinarily significant and causes deep wounds because it involves an offense against the body, mind, heart, and soul. In a conjugal union, each person is vulnerable and trusting. Because of this, the act of betrayal violates the recipient’s sense of safety and elicits a trauma response. It can destroy your ability to relate
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Attachment style plays a paramount role in partner selection, the quality and dynamics of the relationship, and how long the relationship survives. Attachment style develops in childhood and is based on the relationship experience with parents or primary caregivers. In short, it is the way a child learns to give and receive love…or not. This blueprint acts as a model for our adult relationships.
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Ed sat across from me in an intensive session, not able to wrap his head around the idea that his wife desperately needed him to have some sort of feelings for her. A long marriage, kids, and financial success were in the balance, as she was ready to divorce him because he could not express any kind of deeper emotion and was stoic and cold. I could see him struggling with this notion that he had feelings and needed to share them. One of the first things I do in counseling is see where your deep feelings begin to come
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