If you’ve done much marriage counseling, you’ve probably experienced “problem-focused” counseling. This is where you go to counseling, talk about a problem and return the following week to rehash the same problem. Or, perhaps you’ve encountered another problem and focus instead on that problem.
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I’ve spoken about anger a lot, but this is the first time that I’m addressing anger from the female perspective. I’m specifically addressing some of the relationship triggers that cause women to become angry and how woman might experience anger differently than men do.
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Anger is often viewed as an emotion that will get us into big trouble if we’re not careful. Most of us have learned that we must “manage our anger.” But what if our concepts about anger management are a bit misguided? What if, instead of managing and suppressing our anger, we explored anger and the feelings lurking below the surface? What if, instead of corralling and suppressing our anger, we learned about the emotions that anger is covering up and how to talk about them?
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As a younger man I often heard things like “winning is not everything, It’s the only thing.” Who wants to lose? Many men seem to equate being gentle and patient with loss. But the truth is, self-promotion is loss, and lifting others up is winning. Many of the men who join our program, The Core, think they’re always right; everything is and should be as they see it. They will say things like, “A good wife, a Christian woman, should just submit.” They often feel they’re being controlled and respond by blaming their wives for forcing them to do something.
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Mary is a typical client. She has spent years looking for ways to better connect with her husband, Joe. She’s read numerous books and articles. She subscribes to relationship blogs and Facebook pages. She’s counseled with her pastor and consulted with her closest friends. She’s begged Joe to talk, to understand, to make her a priority and then behave like it. She’s prayed for hope and for God to change him. She has cried countless tears. And she is exhausted from trying to make the relationship different. Joe finally agrees to counseling, probably the result of a precipitating event in
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When we’re extremely angry, physiologically we’re not a whole lot different than a child throwing a tantrum. We’re literally not in our right mind. Blood has moved away from our pre-frontal cortex (the seat of conscious thought) and filled our amygdala, where the fight or flight response is triggered. We call this state being “flooded” or “triggered,” a term coined by Daniel Goleman in his bestselling book Emotional Intelligence. Basically, when you’re in fight or flight mode, you’re in no position to think or communicate logically.
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One of the most common reasons people resist making changes in their lives is that strong emotion caused by the anticipation or awareness of danger—FEAR. Fear can be one of two things: False Expectations Appearing Real (meaning irrational fear that has no foundation.) OR Fear can be based on reasonable thoughts that you really are in danger.
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One of the key issues I see in my work with clients is the inability to use boundaries and boundary-setting in a way that is healthy and productive for relationships. Boundaries are key! Why are they so important? Because if you don’t figure out how to set healthy boundaries, one or both of you will probably often be triggered, flooded, and unable to function well in your relationship. Without boundaries, you could (without realizing it) actually be feeding your relationship dysfunction instead of standing up for what’s best or right for you and the relationship.
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