One topic that frequently comes up in my sessions with clients is sex. There seem to be some questions I hear more than others, so I wanted to share some frequently asked questions and answers in this article. I hope you find these helpful!
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Anger, when it’s out of control, is an insidious beast that wreaks havoc in people’s lives. If rage is something that you struggle with, it’s important to understand the biology of anger, as well as learn techniques that will allow you to better mitigate it.
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By the time most couples seek help with their marriage, anger is a profound element of the relationship. I’ve also noticed, however, that it’s common for neither party to acknowledge their own anger, although they can often easily point out the anger within their spouse. Wives might bring up their husband’s outbursts, raging, or controlling behavior. Husbands tend to point out their wife’s lack of forgiveness, withdrawal, or depression. Each of them feels fairly justified in what they’re allowing to brew under the surface of their behavior, without recognizing how much damage their anger is doing.
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Nearly 50% of families in the U.S. today are blended families (remarried or recoupled). According to Allianz, an insurance and investment company, many blended families tend to be more financially challenged than non-blended families, more likely to live paycheck to paycheck, and more likely to feel that their spouse/partner brought financial baggage to the relationship that’s hard to overcome.
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I frequently hear people say that we can’t make other people change. Objectively speaking, when push comes to shove, we certainly cannot force another person to change. If we could, we would have everything we wanted and that would probably not be good for us or the other person in the long run. It is within the individual to decide to change. But, do we sometimes use this concept as an excuse not to do everything in our power to help facilitate change in another person?
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Cut a tree open and count the rings—that’ll tell you how old the tree is. Each ring represents the amount of new wood produced during the growing season. Occasionally a tree will go a year without any new growth; sometimes it’ll produce two rings in one year. But, more or less, a ring equals a year. Chronologically, we humans work kind of the same way. Our outside changes—like graying hair or wrinkled and sagging skin—are all common signs of our age. Someone who is 60 years old usually looks around 60 years old.
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God said it was not good for anyone to be alone. He did not say, “It is not good for anyone to be without a spouse to control, manage, and shape into what he or she wants.” Yet, many people dominate and control their spouses according to what they deem best for their own world. But, eventually, these people end up in exactly the position God said wasn’t good: alone.
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I learned long ago the rule “garbage in, garbage out.” In other words, you usually get out what you put in. It is the idea of sowing and reaping. If all I plant is corn then that is all I will get. This concept can be applied to marriage as well. What do you want to reap in your relationship? Do you want a relationship that is meaningful, helpful, loving, caring and affectionate? Are you sowing what’s necessary to meet that goal? If not, perhaps you need to sow something else. In other words, change what you’re doing.
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Over the next few months, we’re going to be diving deep into the art of communication, which I see as the single biggest area of personal growth. Communication, when done elegantly and thoughtfully, can make us feel connected to others and help us feel understood. But, when done poorly, communication can contribute to conflict and alienate us from ourselves and our loved ones. Furthermore, among couples, while bad communication might not be the root of all conflicts, it certainly interferes with any attempt at resolution.
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I need the truth to get back to normal. The first thing we tend to do when our spouse does something to cause suspicion is go digging, scrounging up any and every possible detail and angle we can find to help us “know” what is really going on. Suddenly, we have a desperation to fit pieces together that we didn’t even realize were missing or to find evidence to disprove what we now “know” so we can “go back to normal.”
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