What is the definition of reactive abuse?

The definition of reactive abuse is abusive behaviors that develop as a result of, and in response to, being exposed to prolonged psychological and emotional abuse. It is a negative adaptation to experiencing ongoing abuse. The victim of emotional abuse starts to mirror the behaviors of their abuser.  In other words, they start to behave and respond in ways that look and sound very much like their abuser.

Examples of reactive abuse include:

• Fits of rage
• Blaming
• Denying responsibility
• Passive aggressive behaviors such as stonewalling,
• The silent treatment

Many would say that the victim has become abusive themselves.  Dr. Lenne’ Hunt discusses whether reactive abuse is the same as the kind of malicious emotional abuse that is used to control another person and take away their personhood.

Reactive Abuse in Relationships

Relationships are intricate and fraught with challenges. Even more so when emotional abuse is involved, as it can lead to a particularly complicated dynamic. In this article, we’ll delve into reactive abuse examples, why it occurs, and how it impacts the individuals involved.

The Blame Game: A Common Strategy

In the realm of abusive relationships, it’s not uncommon for abusive spouses to employ a specific strategy when confronted with their harmful behavior. They often resort to deflecting blame onto their partner, accusing them of being equally abusive. This tactic serves several purposes, such as attempting to downplay their own abusive actions and create a false sense of equivalence. It’s as if they believe that by saying, “You’re abusive too,” they can somehow cancel out or diminish their own wrongdoings.

This manipulation tactic creates a difficult dilemma for the victimized spouse. They are left grappling with questions about their own identity within the relationship – am I equally culpable of being an abusive partner?

When You No Longer Recognize the Person You’ve Become

Living in an abusive marriage marked by high levels of conflict and emotional turmoil over an extended period can profoundly affect an individual. The persistent emotional wounds inflicted on their heart can lead to a metamorphosis, but not the positive kind. Victims often find themselves becoming someone they no longer recognize – they are more emotionally reactive, less able to control their emotions, resulting in rage, aggression or passive aggression.

They notice behaviors in themselves that were never part of their character before the abusive relationship. They now yell, use disrespectful words and tone, and become physically and verbally aggressive. These behaviors cause dismay and inner turmoil because it is not who they are, nor who they want to be. In essence, the victim is becoming like the partner who has inflicted so much pain upon them.

Understanding Reactive Abuse

What we are witnessing in this scenario is what can be termed “reactive abuse.” It occurs as a reaction to the cumulative hurtful experiences inflicted by the abusive partner. When victims reach a point where nothing they’ve tried seems to stop the abuse, frustration and hopelessness can bubble over, leading to reactive abuse.

This reaction is far from ideal, and it certainly doesn’t feel good for the person who engages in it. However, it provides the primarily abusive party with an excuse to further minimize their own actions, perpetuating the cycle of abuse.

Seeking Help and Self-Compassion

The discussion of reactive abuse is vital for several reasons. If you find yourself in an emotionally abusive marriage and notice behaviors within yourself that mirror the abuse you’re enduring, it’s crucial not to beat yourself up over it. Instead, consider this realization as a wake-up call to seek help.

Allow your self-awareness to serve as a catalyst for change. Reach out for support, whether it’s from professionals, support groups, or trusted friends and family. If you don’t intervene and break the cycle of abuse, it can continue to warp your sense of self and identity.

Reactive Abuse vs Original Abuse

It’s important to differentiate reactive abuse from the original abuse. While the behaviors may appear similar on the surface, they stem from different places. Original abuse is an intentional act of control, manipulation, and stripping away another person’s identity and personhood. Reactive abuse, on the other hand, emerges from a sense of powerlessness, a feeling of being trapped, and a desperate attempt to protect oneself from harm.  We are not saying it is justified, or acceptable, but understanding this distinction can help you process what is happening.

Conclusion: Untangling Victim From Abuser

In abusive relationships, the roles of victim and perpetrator can become tangled and confusing. Reactive abuse is one of the manifestations of the profound impact that sustained emotional abuse can have on an individual. It is essential to recognize the signs and seek help. Breaking free from this cycle is challenging, but it is possible with the right professional help.

To learn how we can help, reach out to us at (206) 219-0145 or info@marriagerecoverycenter.com to speak with a Client Care Specialist

Also read: The Physical Impact of Emotional Abuse

About Dr. Hawkins:

The internet is inundated with hyperbole and misinformation about narcissism, leaving many people confused and hopeless. Get the facts on narcissism and emotional abuse from someone who has been researching, writing about and treating narcissism and emotional abuse for over a decade.

Dr. Hawkins is a best-selling author and clinical psychologist with over three decades of experience helping people break unhealthy patterns and build healthier relationships.

He is the founder and director of the Marriage Recovery Center and the Emotional Abuse Institute which offers education, training and counseling for people who want to break free of, and heal from, emotional abuse. Whether the perpetrator of the abuse is your spouse, partner, parent, boss, friend or family member, we offer practical advice for anyone trapped in a toxic, destructive relationship.

In addition to narcissism & emotional abuse, you’ll learn about the lesser known forms of abuse, including covert abuse, reactive abuse, spiritual abuse, secondary abuse, relationship trauma and much more.