Many people think of emotional abuse as slamming doors and throwing things, yelling and making threats—anything that is intended to intimidate another person. And certainly, it is all of those things. But there’s also something called covert emotional abuse, and this is what I want to discuss in this article.

Emotional abuse is not something that is often talked about, but it is real and very destructive. We define emotional abuse as a pattern of defensive behavior used to gain and maintain power and control over a partner. This  pattern of behavior includes constant criticism, humiliation, and dismissiveness of another’s thoughts and feelings. These patterns of manipulation and intimidation lead to the loss of a person’s sense of identity, dignity, and self-worth, which further results in significant anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and even suicidal feelings.

Want to grow? Try marriage. No, seriously. Marriage is the absolutely best place to grow. I know some of you may think I’ve lost my mind. “Marriage,” you say, “is the last place I grow. It’s the place I cope, struggle, work to recover from.” I understand that. But let’s begin with a quiz. Just give the first answer that comes to your mind. Who knows you better than anyone else? Who has seen you at your absolute worst? Who knows your darkest secrets? Who knows your worst character traits? Who has the greatest power to help you heal from emotional, relational, and even spiritual struggles?