Narcissism is a personality trait often characterized by grandiosity, an excessive need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. This trait can lead to numerous interpersonal problems, including emotional and psychological abuse. One of the significant challenges in dealing with narcissists, especially in relationships, is their reluctance to seek counseling. Understanding why narcissists never go to counseling can help victims and professionals manage and address these issues more effectively.
The Core Program: A Path to Self-Improvement
Many men are compelled to attend counseling only after being given an ultimatum. This scenario, while far from ideal, is a common reality. Recognizing this, programs like “The Core” have been developed to help individuals transition from a mindset of denial to a commitment to self-improvement. These programs emphasize deep, character-based changes rather than superficial fixes, challenging individuals to confront their blind spots and destructive patterns.
The Fog of Denial
Narcissists often live in a fog of denial, rationalization, and minimization. This self-protective fog keeps them hopelessly trapped and stuck in their ways. Denial serves as a shield, protecting them from the harsh realities of their behavior while simultaneously preventing any meaningful change. This fog can be incredibly perplexing and frustrating for those around them, as it perpetuates a cycle of abuse and dysfunction.
The Illusion of Success
Many narcissists maintain a veneer of success that reinforces their denial. They may hold down a job, raise a family, and appear well-liked in their communities. These external indicators of success provide them with data points that they use to justify their behavior and deny any need for change. This perceived success feeds into their fog of denial, making it even harder for them to see the need for counseling.
The Blame Game
A common tactic used by narcissists is to blame their partners for the problems in the relationship. By shifting the blame, they avoid taking responsibility for their actions. This blame game can be incredibly damaging, causing their partners to doubt themselves and accept the narcissist’s distorted version of reality. This manipulation keeps the narcissist firmly entrenched in their behavior and prevents any impetus for seeking counseling.
Compliance and Tolerance
Narcissists often become superficially compliant, going through the motions of everyday life while their partners tolerate their behavior to varying degrees. This compliance is deceptive, as it masks the ongoing emotional abuse and manipulation. The partner, often confused and emotionally worn down, may continue to tolerate this behavior until it becomes unbearable. This tolerance only serves to perpetuate the narcissist’s denial and avoidance of counseling.
The Breaking Point
Eventually, the partner’s tolerance reaches a breaking point. Her complaints become louder, her physical symptoms more pronounced, and her emotional distress more visible. This escalation often leads to threats of separation or actual separation. For many narcissists, this is the wake-up call they need to begin reassessing their behavior. It is unfortunate that it often takes such extreme measures to get their attention.
The Realization of Responsibility
At this critical juncture, the narcissist may start to come out of their fog. The threat of losing their partner and the reality of their actions finally begin to penetrate their denial. They start to feel the weight of their shame and inadequacy, realizing that their behavior has led to this crisis. This painful realization is the first step towards taking responsibility for their actions.
The Hard Work of Healing
Once the narcissist acknowledges their responsibility, the long and arduous process of healing can begin. Programs like “The Core” offer structured paths to help individuals take ownership of their behavior and make meaningful changes. This process involves confronting the many ways they have blamed others, played the victim, rationalized, and minimized their actions. It requires a deep examination of their patterns of emotional immaturity and a commitment to doing the hard work of change.
The Possibility of Redemption
The journey towards healing and change is fraught with difficulties. It is often late in the game when the narcissist begins this process, making it a tragic story for all involved. However, it is not necessarily too late to save the relationship. With genuine effort and professional guidance, there is a possibility for redemption. The narcissist must now do the hard work, and with the support of a clinical team, they can begin to make the necessary changes.
Why Narcissists Never Go To Counseling
Understanding why narcissists never go to counseling sheds light on the complex dynamics of narcissistic behavior. The fog of denial, the illusion of success, the blame game, and the patterns of compliance and tolerance all contribute to their avoidance of therapy. It often takes a significant crisis to break through these defenses. Programs like “The Core” provide a structured and supportive path for narcissists to begin the difficult journey of self-improvement and healing. For the victims of emotional and narcissistic abuse, understanding these dynamics can empower them to make informed decisions about their future.
To learn how we can help, reach out to us at (206) 219-0145 or info@marriagerecoverycenter.com to speak with a Client Care Specialist
Also read: How to control a narcissist
About Dr. Hawkins:
The internet is inundated with hyperbole and misinformation about narcissism, leaving many people confused and hopeless. Get the facts on narcissism and emotional abuse from someone who has been researching, writing about and treating narcissism and emotional abuse for over a decade.
Dr. Hawkins is a best-selling author and clinical psychologist with over three decades of experience helping people break unhealthy patterns and build healthier relationships.
He is the founder and director of the Marriage Recovery Center and the Emotional Abuse Institute which offers education, training and counseling for people who want to break free of, and heal from, emotional abuse. Whether the perpetrator of the abuse is your spouse, partner, parent, boss, friend or family member, we offer practical advice for anyone trapped in a toxic, destructive relationship.
In addition to narcissism & emotional abuse, you’ll learn about the lesser known forms of abuse, including covert abuse, reactive abuse, spiritual abuse, secondary abuse, relationship trauma and much more.
