Are you in a relationship where it feels impossible to share your concerns with your partner? Or perhaps, when you do muster the courage to voice your worries, your partner, friend, boss, or whoever it may be, flips the conversation back on you. They criticize you, tell you that your perceptions are wrong, and even suggest that you’re the source of the problem. This experience, unfortunately, is all too common and is known as gaslighting. So what to do when someone gaslights you?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional and psychological abuse where the abuser manipulates the victim into doubting their own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. It can be so subtle that even those who experience it may not immediately recognize what’s happening. Dr. David Hawkins, Director of the Marriage Recovery Center and the Emotional Abuse Institute, has worked extensively with victims of this insidious form of abuse. So let’s explore the concept of gaslighting and, more importantly, what to do when someone gaslights you.
Understanding Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a covert form of emotional abuse. It often begins subtly, with the abuser questioning your memory, perception, or judgment. Over time, this manipulation escalates, leaving you questioning your reality. The goal of the gaslighter is to gain power and control by making you doubt your own thoughts and beliefs.
One of the most distressing aspects of gaslighting is that it can happen in any type of relationship—romantic, professional, or platonic. You might bring up a legitimate concern, only to have it dismissed, twisted, or turned back on you. For example, you might say, “I felt hurt when you ignored me at the party,” and the gaslighter might respond, “You’re too sensitive. It’s your fault for feeling that way.” Over time, this tactic can erode your self-esteem and leave you feeling confused and powerless.
The Importance of Owning Your Story
In the face of gaslighting, it’s crucial to “own your story.” This means validating your own experiences, thoughts, and feelings, regardless of how the gaslighter tries to undermine them. Dr. Hawkins emphasizes that owning your story isn’t as simple as it sounds. It requires a deep commitment to self-validation—a practice that can empower you to maintain your sense of reality even when others attempt to distort it.
What is Self-Validation?
Self-validation is the process of affirming that your thoughts, feelings, and perceptions are legitimate. It’s about telling yourself, “My story makes sense. The way I’m thinking about this, the way I’m seeing it, makes sense.” This process involves reflection, journaling, and sometimes even prayer or meditation to reinforce your belief in your own reality.
Self-validation is not just a mental exercise; it’s a powerful tool that can help you combat the effects of gaslighting. By regularly practicing self-validation, you can maintain your sense of self, even in the face of persistent manipulation.
Four Reasons to Practice Self-Validation
Dr. Hawkins outlines four key reasons why self-validation is essential, especially when dealing with a gaslighter:
1. Self-Validation is Empowering
Self-validation empowers you to accept and understand yourself. When you regularly journal about your thoughts and feelings, reflecting on them and reaffirming their validity, you build a strong foundation of self-awareness. This empowerment comes from knowing that your experiences are real and that your perceptions are valid, even if others try to convince you otherwise.
Empowerment through self-validation also leads to a greater sense of self-acceptance. When you accept that your thoughts and feelings are legitimate, you start to embrace yourself more fully. This acceptance is crucial when dealing with gaslighting because it strengthens your inner resolve and makes you less susceptible to manipulation.
2. Self-Validation Strengthens Your Identity
A strong, clear, and cohesive identity is crucial for resisting gaslighting. Self-validation helps you build this identity by constantly reaffirming your beliefs and values. When you know who you are and what you stand for, it becomes much harder for someone to shake your confidence or make you doubt yourself.
As you practice self-validation, you develop a solid sense of self that says, “This is who I am. This is what I think. This is what I know to be true.” This clear identity acts as a shield against gaslighting, making it easier to recognize when someone is trying to manipulate or distort your reality.
3. Self-Validation Leads to Better Emotional Management
One of the most insidious effects of gaslighting is the emotional turmoil it can create. You might find yourself constantly on edge, unsure of what to believe or how to feel. However, self-validation can help you regain control over your emotions.
By choosing when and where to share your story, and with whom, you take back power over your emotional state. This selective sharing allows you to protect yourself from further harm and to manage your emotions more effectively. When you validate your own experiences, you reduce the emotional impact of the gaslighter’s tactics, leading to a greater sense of calm and control.
4. Self-Validation Reduces the Impact of External Opinions
Gaslighters rely on their ability to make you doubt yourself. They want their opinions to hold more weight than your own. However, when you practice self-validation, you reduce the impact of these external opinions. While you may not be able to eliminate the gaslighter’s criticism entirely, you can diminish its effect on your self-esteem and confidence.
By spending time reflecting on your own thoughts and validating your perceptions, you strengthen your boundaries. This makes it easier to dismiss the gaslighter’s attempts to undermine you. You begin to trust yourself more, and the external opinions of others, especially those who seek to manipulate you, hold less sway over your emotions and decisions.
Practical Steps to Combat Gaslighting
Now that we understand the importance of self-validation, let’s explore some practical steps you can take to combat gaslighting in your life:
1. Document Your Experiences
Keep a journal of your interactions with the gaslighter. Write down what was said, how you felt, and any other relevant details. This documentation serves two purposes: it helps you validate your own experiences, and it provides a record that you can refer back to if you start to doubt yourself.
2. Seek External Support
While self-validation is crucial, it’s also important to seek support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist. These external sources can provide validation and perspective, helping you to see the situation more clearly.
3. Set Boundaries
Establish clear boundaries with the gaslighter. Decide what behaviors you will and will not tolerate, and stick to these limits. Communicate your boundaries calmly and assertively, and be prepared to enforce them if necessary.
4. Limit Interaction
If possible, limit your interactions with the gaslighter. This might mean reducing contact or even cutting ties entirely if the relationship is causing significant harm. Protecting your mental and emotional well-being should be your top priority.
5. Trust Your Gut
One of the most damaging effects of gaslighting is that it can make you doubt your instincts. Reconnect with your intuition and trust your gut feelings. If something feels off, it probably is.
What To Do When Someone Gaslights You?
Gaslighting is a deeply damaging form of emotional abuse that can leave you questioning your reality and doubting yourself. However, by practicing self-validation, you can protect yourself from this manipulation. Self-validation empowers you, strengthens your identity, improves your emotional management, and reduces the impact of external opinions.
Remember, your story makes sense. Your thoughts, feelings, and perceptions are valid. By owning your story and choosing when and where to share it, you take back control from the gaslighter. If you find yourself in a relationship where gaslighting is present, take these steps to protect your mental and emotional health. You deserve to live a life free from manipulation and filled with self-assurance.
To learn how we can help, reach out to us at (206) 219-0145 or info@marriagerecoverycenter.com to speak with a Client Care Specialist
Also read: 3 Ways to Handle Conflict – Shut Up, Blow Up, Show Up!
About Dr. Hawkins:
The internet is inundated with hyperbole and misinformation about narcissism, leaving many people confused and hopeless. Get the facts on narcissism and emotional abuse from someone who has been researching, writing about and treating narcissism and emotional abuse for over a decade.
Dr. Hawkins is a best-selling author and clinical psychologist with over three decades of experience helping people break unhealthy patterns and build healthier relationships.
He is the founder and director of the Marriage Recovery Center and the Emotional Abuse Institute which offers education, training and counseling for people who want to break free of, and heal from, emotional abuse. Whether the perpetrator of the abuse is your spouse, partner, parent, boss, friend or family member, we offer practical advice for anyone trapped in a toxic, destructive relationship.
In addition to narcissism & emotional abuse, you’ll learn about the lesser known forms of abuse, including covert abuse, reactive abuse, spiritual abuse, secondary abuse, relationship trauma and much more.
