Narcissists are known for their rigid psychological defenses, which serve one primary purpose: to protect their fragile self-esteem. Unlike emotionally healthy individuals who acknowledge and process emotional pain, narcissists go to great lengths to avoid confronting distressing emotions. This avoidance often leads to destructive behaviors that negatively impact those around them.

Understanding these behaviors can help victims of narcissistic abuse recognize the patterns and safeguard their emotional well-being. Here are three common things narcissists do to avoid feeling bad and how these tactics affect their victims.

1. Projection: Shifting Their Problems Onto You

What Is Projection?

Projection is a psychological defense mechanism in which a narcissist takes their own negative emotions, insecurities, and faults and attributes them to someone else—often their closest relationships. Rather than acknowledging their own flaws, they project these issues onto their victim, making it seem like the other person is the one with the problem.

For example, if a narcissist is feeling guilty about something they did, they might accuse their partner of being dishonest or unfaithful. If they are struggling with self-worth, they may constantly criticize someone else’s intelligence or abilities. The underlying message is always the same: “It’s not me; it’s you.”

How It Affects Victims

Over time, victims of projection can start to internalize these accusations. They may begin to doubt themselves, wondering if they truly are the things the narcissist claims them to be. This can lead to:

• A decline in self-confidence
• Increased anxiety and self-doubt
• A sense of emotional quicksand, where the victim feels stuck in a cycle of constant self-questioning

The longer a person is subjected to projection, the more they may struggle to differentiate between their true self and the distorted image the narcissist has imposed on them.

2. Gaslighting: Manipulating Your Reality

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a powerful and insidious manipulation tactic where a narcissist deliberately distorts reality to make their victim question their own memories, perceptions, and even sanity. They might deny something they said or did, twist facts, or make the victim feel like they are imagining things.

Common gaslighting phrases include:

• “That never happened. You’re making it up.”
• “You’re too sensitive. You always overreact.”
• “I never said that. You’re remembering it wrong.”

By constantly rewriting history and invalidating their victim’s feelings, the narcissist creates confusion and dependency, making it harder for the victim to trust their own judgment.

How It Affects Victims

Gaslighting can have devastating effects on a person’s mental and emotional well-being. Over time, victims may:

• Begin to question their own reality
• Feel confused and disoriented
• Lose confidence in their ability to make decisions
• Experience heightened anxiety and self-doubt

In severe cases, gaslighting can lead to depression and a deep sense of powerlessness. Victims may feel trapped, unable to trust their own thoughts and perceptions.

3. Devaluation: Constant Criticism and Belittlement

What Is Devaluation?

Devaluation is another common narcissistic defense mechanism, characterized by relentless criticism, belittling, and diminishing the worth of another person. Narcissists engage in devaluation to boost their own fragile self-esteem by making others feel small and unworthy.

They may insult, mock, or undermine their victim’s achievements, intelligence, or appearance. Even compliments can be backhanded, such as:

• “You look nice today—for once.”
• “That’s a good idea, but I doubt you can pull it off.”

By chipping away at their victim’s confidence, narcissists maintain control and keep their target emotionally dependent on their validation.

How It Affects Victims

Victims of devaluation often struggle with:

• Low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness
• Fear of speaking up or asserting themselves
• Anxiety over making mistakes or disappointing the narcissist
• A sense of walking on eggshells, constantly trying to avoid criticism

Over time, the victim may lose their sense of self-worth entirely, feeling unlovable and powerless to escape the toxic cycle of abuse.

The Bigger Picture: How These Defenses Lead to Emotional Abuse

While narcissists use these defense mechanisms to shield themselves from emotional pain, the real damage is inflicted on their victims. The combination of projection, gaslighting, and devaluation creates a cycle of emotional abuse that erodes the victim’s self-confidence and distorts their perception of reality.

Victims often feel trapped, struggling to break free from the psychological grip of the narcissist. The longer they endure these tactics, the harder it becomes to trust themselves and their own experiences.

Breaking Free from the Cycle

If you recognize these patterns in a relationship, it’s important to take steps to protect yourself. Here are some strategies to help regain control:

• Educate Yourself: Understanding narcissistic behaviors can help you recognize manipulation when it happens.
• Set Boundaries: Limit your exposure to toxic interactions and stand firm in your personal values.
• Seek Support: Talk to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist who can provide guidance and validation.
• Practice Self-Validation: Remind yourself that your thoughts, feelings, and experiences are real and valid.

Escaping the grip of a narcissist is not easy, but by recognizing these defense mechanisms and their effects, you can take the first steps toward healing and reclaiming your sense of self.

3 Things Narcissists Do To Avoid Feeling Bad – Final Thoughts

Narcissists use rigid defenses like projection, gaslighting, and devaluation to protect their fragile self-esteem and avoid emotional pain. Unfortunately, these tactics come at the expense of their victims, causing confusion, self-doubt, and emotional distress.

Recognizing these patterns is the first step in breaking free from their toxic influence. If you or someone you know is dealing with a narcissistic relationship, remember that help is available, and healing is possible.

To learn how we can help, reach out to us at (206) 219-0145 or info@marriagerecoverycenter.com to speak with a Client Care Specialist

Also read: If Addicts Can Change, So Can Narcissists!

About Dr. Hawkins:

The internet is inundated with hyperbole and misinformation about narcissism, leaving many people confused and hopeless. Get the facts on narcissism and emotional abuse from someone who has been researching, writing about and treating narcissism and emotional abuse for over a decade.

Dr. Hawkins is a best-selling author and clinical psychologist with over three decades of experience helping people break unhealthy patterns and build healthier relationships.

He is the founder and director of the Marriage Recovery Center and the Emotional Abuse Institute which offers education, training and counseling for people who want to break free of, and heal from, emotional abuse. Whether the perpetrator of the abuse is your spouse, partner, parent, boss, friend or family member, we offer practical advice for anyone trapped in a toxic, destructive relationship.

In addition to narcissism & emotional abuse, you’ll learn about the lesser known forms of abuse, including covert abuse, reactive abuse, spiritual abuse, secondary abuse, relationship trauma and much more.