Many people think that narcissism in itself is the main problem when dealing with difficult interpersonal relationships. While selfishness and self-centeredness are serious issues, they are not the core of the problem. Narcissism, often misunderstood as the central issue, overshadows a more profound and destructive behavior pattern: DARVO. This acronym stands for Defend, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offend. Understanding DARVO and its implications can shed light on the real problem with narcissism and guide us toward more effective solutions.

The Essence of DARVO

DARVO is a behavior pattern characterized by defensiveness and blame shifting. When confronted with criticism or a problem, individuals exhibiting DARVO behaviors first defend themselves aggressively, then attack the accuser, reverse the roles of victim and offender, and finally, cause offense. This pattern is not only frustrating but also emotionally exhausting for the recipient, leading to significant distress and ongoing frustration in relationships.

The true issue is the emotional immaturity underlying DARVO. These individuals may be chronologically adults, but emotionally, they exhibit behaviors typical of much younger individuals. This profound emotional immaturity is at the heart of the distress and dysfunction caused by narcissism.

The Maze of Confusion

A colleague once referred to DARVO as creating a “Maze of Confusion.” This maze comprises various tactics that hinder problem-solving and healthy communication in relationships. These tactics include defensiveness, blame shifting, excuse making, gaslighting, reverse victim playing, confabulation, distortion, and future faking.

• Defensiveness: The immediate reaction to any perceived criticism or problem is to defend oneself vehemently.
• Blame Shifting: Redirecting the blame onto the accuser or another party to avoid taking responsibility.
• Excuse Making: Creating justifications for their behavior to avoid accountability.
• Gaslighting: Manipulating the other person into doubting their reality or perception of events.
• Reverse Victim Playing: Positioning themselves as the victim to elicit sympathy and deflect criticism.
• Confabulation: Creating false memories or distortions to support their narrative.
• Distortion: Twisting facts and events to suit their perspective.
• Future Faking: Making promises about future behavior or actions that they have no intention of fulfilling.

These behaviors create a confusing and hostile environment where problems cannot be addressed or resolved effectively. When problems can’t be solved, the relationship becomes unhealthy, as genuine connection and communication are stifled.

Emotional Immaturity and Responsibility

While narcissism, selfishness, and self-centeredness are significant concerns, it is essential to recognize that the root problem is emotional immaturity. This immaturity manifests as a refusal to accept responsibility and a tendency to flip the script, blaming others for the issues at hand. This behavior causes significant harm and ultimately leads to the disintegration of relationships.

For a relationship to thrive, both parties must be able to approach each other with concerns and feel heard and validated. If one party is consistently defensive and unapproachable, genuine connection and growth become impossible. As a result, the relationship may continue functionally but will lack the vibrancy and robustness necessary for a healthy, fulfilling partnership.

Accountability and Change

Addressing the real problem with narcissism requires holding the perpetrator of narcissistic and emotional abuse accountable for changing their DARVO patterns. Accountability is crucial because change cannot occur without recognizing and owning the problematic behaviors.

The individual must acknowledge that their defensiveness, attacks, role reversals, and offensive behavior make it impossible to address concerns and foster a healthy relationship. This recognition is the first step toward change, but it must be followed by rigorous and professional treatment.

Professional Treatment and Character Work

Effective treatment for individuals exhibiting DARVO behaviors involves working with a professional trained in narcissistic and emotional abuse. This professional should understand the subtle and often hidden patterns that are evident primarily to those in intimate relationships with the individual.

The treatment must focus on deep character work, addressing the core issues rather than just surface-level problems. It goes beyond communication skills and emotional identification to include taking responsibility for harmful behaviors and committing to change.

Characterological work is challenging and requires a sustained effort. Without this depth of treatment, real change is unlikely. It involves not just recognizing the DARVO patterns but actively working to dismantle them and replace them with healthier, more mature behaviors.

Conclusion

Narcissism, characterized by selfishness and self-centeredness, is undoubtedly problematic. However, the real issue lies in the DARVO behavior pattern driven by profound emotional immaturity. This pattern creates a maze of confusion, preventing problem-solving and healthy relationship dynamics.

To address this problem, individuals exhibiting DARVO behaviors must be held accountable and undergo rigorous professional treatment focused on deep character work. Only through this process can they begin to change these destructive patterns and foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Understanding the real problem with narcissism and shifting our focus to DARVO and emotional immaturity can lead to more effective interventions and ultimately healthier relationships. It is a challenging journey, but one that is necessary for genuine growth and connection.

To learn how we can help, reach out to us at (206) 219-0145 or info@marriagerecoverycenter.com to speak with a Client Care Specialist

Also read: Is Your Spouse Emotionally Absent?

About Dr. Hawkins:

The internet is inundated with hyperbole and misinformation about narcissism, leaving many people confused and hopeless. Get the facts on narcissism and emotional abuse from someone who has been researching, writing about and treating narcissism and emotional abuse for over a decade.

Dr. Hawkins is a best-selling author and clinical psychologist with over three decades of experience helping people break unhealthy patterns and build healthier relationships.

He is the founder and director of the Marriage Recovery Center and the Emotional Abuse Institute which offers education, training and counseling for people who want to break free of, and heal from, emotional abuse. Whether the perpetrator of the abuse is your spouse, partner, parent, boss, friend or family member, we offer practical advice for anyone trapped in a toxic, destructive relationship.

In addition to narcissism & emotional abuse, you’ll learn about the lesser known forms of abuse, including covert abuse, reactive abuse, spiritual abuse, secondary abuse, relationship trauma and much more.