You’ve been utterly, completely empty and dry. Nothing left to give because your husband has consumed everything of value from you. Everything you once thrived in, the strengths and gifts you thought you had, he belittled and dismissed. He scoffed at your feelings, sarcastically diminished your ideas and opinions, repeatedly reminded you that you don’t listen, can’t understand, or don’t need to know. Your joy, your sense of adventure, your excitement about life have been squashed and stolen. To heal, you will need to learn to care for yourself again.

I’d like to teach you to tend to your garden. The idea here is that every dimension of you is like a garden that needs the weeds pulled, the trees pruned, the flowers dead-headed and everything watered and fertilized. You have to get rid of what is dead and stifling in order to make room for the beauty of the flowers.
This might feel completely overwhelming at this moment. When you said you had nothing left to give, you meant there wasn’t even anything left for yourself! I want you to know it’s okay to start little, one tiny thing at a time if necessary.

Look around. Is there clutter you can get rid of like weeds? What is going on in you that is keeping you from blooming? Are you fighting bitterness? Weariness? Fear? What can you prune out to make room for new growth? What can you add to help that happen? How can you water your own growth?
How can you deepen your roots of faith? What are you doing to build physical strength and stamina? What are you feeding your mind and your body? How do you add rest and respite?

It might even be something as simple as making your bed in the morning. Such a small act can help you regain a sense of order, of peace, of self. That can usually fuel your energy to think of something else you can do to refresh your own heart a little at a time. The biggest hurdle will be overcoming your sense of not even being worth the effort.

You are worth it! You are a precious and worth fighting for.

As you show care for yourself, you will become better at spotting and stopping harm toward you. It will be easier to keep out the weeds and defend from the pests and varmints. Your roots will be strong, and you will be known by your fruit, rather than by what someone else may say of you.

And you are beautiful.

This Week’s Question:

I can’t talk to my husband about anything, especially the things that matter to me. I feel so alone in my marriage! Every time I garner the courage to talk to him about how I feel, and how his actions are affecting me, he instantly gets defensive and tells me I’m the problem. Even simply asking him to do something that would make both our lives a little easier, he acts like I’ve told him he can’t do anything good enough for me. How do I stay well in a marriage like this? How do I make it be better even if he won’t? How should I respond when he takes every single thing as a complaint, and then turns it into a complaint against me?

Sharmen’s Answer:

One clear and convincing sign of maturity is the ability to listen attentively, with concern and empathy, to the person who is upset with us. We realize we are not perfect and don’t expect ourselves to be. Understanding we make mistakes, we are not shaken when someone comes to us with a complaint. We listen caringly and address their concern.

Contrast that with the immature individual who has little capacity to sit with our concern. With fragile egos and “thin skins,” they overreact to criticism. In fact, their capacity to “be with” our complaint creates an inner crisis for them and they turn the problem back on us. Our problem becomes their problem—they refuse to listen compassionately and with empathy and blameshift, minimize, “gaslight” or distort matters. They flip the problem around—instead of listening to us they attack and accuse us.

Sadly, this shift in focus leaves you not only alone and abandoned, but facing his criticism. All of a sudden your problem has become his problem. It is important at these moments that you not get caught up in his “crazymaking.” It will be critical that you not get “hooked” into his web of deflection. Instead, hold your ground. Here are a few helpful comments:

• “I can see that my problem has upset you. Please let me know when you are in a space to talk about it with me.”
• “I’m not going to respond to your criticism of me. I would like you to hear my concern.”
• “I am not going to argue with you. I have a concern I’d like to discuss with you. Let me know when you can attend fully to the concern I have.”
• “I know you are upset as well, but we need to talk one at a time. I’m happy to listen to you after you have attended to me.”

Note the importance of staying centered and emotionally balanced. Notice that it is critical to not engage in arguments with him or give any ground to his complaint. As you practice “one issue at a time, with one person sharing at a time, fully understanding each other,” you will show him you intend to listen to him, but expect to be listened to as well. You expect your complaint to be received with understanding and ultimate change.

While change may occur slowly, ongoing practice of these tools will usually bring positive results.