Emotional abuse is a deeply damaging experience that erodes self-worth, fosters feelings of isolation, and leaves long-lasting scars on the psyche. Survivors often struggle to process and heal from the harm caused by their abusers. However, an additional layer of harm can occur when survivors seek support from others and instead face dismissal, invalidation, or minimization. This phenomenon is known as secondary abuse, and its effects can be profoundly detrimental. In this article, we will explore what secondary abuse is, its destructive impact on victims, and how survivors can navigate their journey toward healing.

Understanding Secondary Emotional Abuse

Secondary emotional abuse occurs when an individual, already grappling with the trauma of emotional abuse, seeks help or support from someone they trust, only to be met with invalidation or dismissal. This can happen intentionally or unintentionally and often stems from ignorance or unwillingness to engage with the complexities of emotional abuse. Family members, friends, religious leaders, and even professionals such as therapists or counselors can perpetuate secondary abuse by:

• Minimizing the survivor’s experiences
• Suggesting the survivor is overreacting
• Asking unhelpful or accusatory questions like, “Why didn’t you leave?” or *”What part did you play in this?”
• Failing to educate themselves about emotional or narcissistic abuse

For survivors, these responses can feel like a painful reenactment of the original abuse, compounding their emotional distress.

Four Ways Secondary Abuse Causes Harm

Secondary abuse is not merely a lack of support—it actively exacerbates the survivor’s pain. Below, we examine four key ways secondary abuse impacts victims of emotional abuse.

1. Re-traumatization

When a survivor’s experience is minimized or invalidated, it can feel like reliving the abuse all over again. Emotional abuse is already cumulative in its harm, wearing down the victim’s sense of self over time. Secondary abuse reinforces the feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt instilled by the abuser. For survivors, it can be as if the world is echoing the abuser’s message: “You don’t matter.”

2. Isolation

Survivors often turn to trusted individuals for validation and understanding, only to find that these crucial needs are unmet. This lack of support intensifies their sense of isolation. Without the affirmation that their pain is real and significant, survivors may withdraw further, feeling utterly alone in their struggles. The isolation perpetuated by secondary abuse is devastating, as it strips away the hope of finding connection and relief.

3. Barriers to Healing

Emotional validation is essential for recovery from emotional abuse. When survivors encounter secondary abuse, their emotional pain is amplified, creating a significant roadblock to healing. Instead of moving forward, survivors may find themselves stuck, unable to process their experiences or rebuild their sense of self. The lack of understanding and empathy from others perpetuates their suffering, making the path to recovery even more challenging.

4. Erosion of Self-Worth

Just as direct emotional abuse undermines a person’s sense of self, secondary abuse deepens these wounds. When survivors are met with dismissal or invalidation, it reinforces the damaging belief that their emotions and experiences are unimportant. This erosion of self-worth can be particularly devastating, as it mirrors the dynamics of the original abuse and leaves survivors questioning their own reality.

Why Does Secondary Abuse Happen?

Secondary abuse can occur for several reasons, including:

• Ignorance: Many people lack an understanding of emotional and narcissistic abuse, which prevents them from offering meaningful support.
• Unwillingness to Learn: Even when resources are available, some individuals fail to make the effort to educate themselves about the complexities of abuse.
• Cultural or Religious Beliefs: Certain cultural or religious frameworks may dismiss emotional abuse or prioritize forgiveness and reconciliation over the survivor’s well-being.
• Discomfort: Confronting the realities of abuse can be uncomfortable, leading some to deflect or minimize the survivor’s experiences.

How Survivors Can Navigate Secondary Abuse

While secondary abuse is deeply harmful, survivors can take steps to protect themselves and seek the validation they deserve. Here are some strategies:

1. Be Selective About Sharing Your Story

Your story is precious, and not everyone is equipped to handle it with care. Be discerning about who you choose to confide in, and prioritize sharing with individuals who have demonstrated empathy, understanding, or a willingness to learn about emotional abuse.

2. Seek Safe Spaces

Look for support groups, online communities, or professionals who specialize in emotional and narcissistic abuse. These environments can provide the validation and understanding you need to heal. Connecting with others who have had similar experiences can be particularly empowering.

3. Educate Yourself

Understanding the dynamics of emotional and secondary abuse can help you recognize when you are being invalidated and reinforce your sense of reality. Knowledge is a powerful tool for reclaiming your narrative and asserting your worth.

4. Set Boundaries

If someone is unwilling or unable to provide the support you need, it’s okay to distance yourself. Setting boundaries protects your emotional well-being and creates space for healthier relationships.

5. Seek Professional Help

A therapist or counselor who specializes in emotional abuse can offer invaluable support. They can help you process your experiences, develop coping strategies, and rebuild your sense of self-worth.

Conclusion

Secondary abuse adds a painful layer of harm to the already challenging journey of healing from emotional abuse. By invalidating or minimizing the survivor’s experiences, secondary abuse reinforces feelings of worthlessness, deepens isolation, and hinders recovery. However, survivors are not without options. By seeking safe spaces, educating themselves, and setting boundaries, they can navigate the impact of secondary abuse and move toward healing. Above all, survivors deserve to be heard, validated, and treated with the care and compassion their journey requires.

To learn how we can help, reach out to us at (206) 219-0145 or info@marriagerecoverycenter.com to speak with a Client Care Specialist

Also read: Why Couples Counseling Doesn’t Work for Emotional Abuse?

About Dr. Hawkins:

The internet is inundated with hyperbole and misinformation about narcissism, leaving many people confused and hopeless. Get the facts on narcissism and emotional abuse from someone who has been researching, writing about and treating narcissism and emotional abuse for over a decade.

Dr. Hawkins is a best-selling author and clinical psychologist with over three decades of experience helping people break unhealthy patterns and build healthier relationships.

He is the founder and director of the Marriage Recovery Center and the Emotional Abuse Institute which offers education, training and counseling for people who want to break free of, and heal from, emotional abuse. Whether the perpetrator of the abuse is your spouse, partner, parent, boss, friend or family member, we offer practical advice for anyone trapped in a toxic, destructive relationship.

In addition to narcissism & emotional abuse, you’ll learn about the lesser known forms of abuse, including covert abuse, reactive abuse, spiritual abuse, secondary abuse, relationship trauma and much more.