My internship was completed at an inpatient drug and alcohol rehab facility. One of the most common phrases I’d hear the clients say, often with sarcasm or contempt, was the cliché “Fake it till you make it.” At the time, I didn’t really know how to respond to their eye-roll as they said that. Much of life DOES feel like faking it, and there is not a lot of hope in simply waiting to “make it.” But, saying it that way almost felt like it was resolution that there was nothing better ahead, just a concession that this is what life was about. Faking. Pretending it was fun and happy and worth living when it was really mess and chaos.
But, something my high school track coach used to say kept confronting that rationale. Before every race, he’d tell me, “How you run this race is 90% in your head.” It’s what you choose to focus on, how you intentionally plan your steps and navigate the surprises, and why you do what you do. There is usually very little about running a race that really feels good (trust me!) until about 4 minutes after you cross the finish line. And yet, accomplishing that goal is what makes the pain and effort worth the journey.
Put that in the context of your life right now. What’s your goal? What are you working toward? What are you training for?
It might not be your norm to stay calm when provoked, or to let your spouse believe what he wants to without trying to fruitlessly defend yourself, or to take the courage to stand up against sin in your marriage. You might not have any experience choosing joy, creating safety in your home, or walking out your day leaning hard into God. But, it is absolutely not “fake” to start practicing. You might not know what you’re doing or how to do it well, but that is where you start the training and discipline to build strength and health into your life. Don’t let anyone tell you that it’s fake.
This Week’s Question:
I don’t know what God wants me to do here! I know he hates divorce, and I don’t want a divorce. But I can’t stand it here. I’m done. What do I do? I keep praying for God’s protection, but it’s not stopping him from treating me like a pile of crap! The only thing I feel any more is crazy. And done. I’ve got nothing left to give. How do I get out of this place? He belittles me, interrogates me, treats me so cruelly and then demands sex. I just can’t do this anymore. What does God expect of me?
Sharmen’s Answer:
It is way too common for those of us in a Christian environment send the message that being a Godly wife looks like enduring more, praying more, and letting God step in to convict her husband – meaning since she is not the Holy Spirit, that it is not her job to speak out against the sinful behavior. It is God’s job, and her only recourse is to move out of His way by not speaking up, not nagging, and not insisting that he treat her differently. We are being taught the idea that being a Godly, submissive woman means taking on whatever abuse our husbands (and churches) have yet to be convicted about. ]
That being said, here are some thoughts to consider. God will step in. He has a vested interest in your marriage looking like Him. It’s not the piece of paper signed by the judge that he hates; it’s the broken, twisted relationship! Sometimes stepping in looks like giving you the courage to stand up against the sin in your marriage.
That all starts with leaning hard into him. His grace will give you the wisdom, strength, and endurance you will need. You can count on that. He will go before you; he will show you the way.
The next step is to look at yourself. Where do you need healing? What would it look like to trust your own instincts? Who could mentor you to find your sense of self again? How can you take charge of your own thoughts? What can you do to block yourself from his harm? How do you hear God’s voice? What do you need to do to let him lead you through this? As you are more able to live from your core self, you will have greater clarity about what to do next.
