When Hurricane Matthew came through my area a few months ago, it totally washed out the main road to my subdivision just passed our second entrance. We could get to and from town, but not go the other way. The hole is probably forty feet deep and thirty feet wide. There really is no going around it. And being a pretty busy farm road, we suddenly had huge pig- or turkey- laden trucks making u-turns through our neighborhood. It was pretty interesting for a few days in the aftermath of all the flooding. Now there is a roadblock about a mile up the road labeling a detour to go around the break in the road. It takes you about eight extra miles now to get to the other side. However, to get to my house, the ONLY way is to go around the roadblock and stay on the broken road. Every sign and warning points away from my home. To get home, I have to ignore them all, physically defy the roadblock, and go with where I know to go. I feel a bit rebellious driving around that roadblock. But, that’s the right way to go. Life can be a lot like that. Especially after a huge storm when the landscape has been altered. There will be times when you have to listen to your gut rather than follow the signs. You might have to actively defy someone else’s instructions, because, while they mean well, they don’t know where God has you going. Home is on the other side of the roadblock. And there isn’t any other way to get there. And it can feel quite rebellious. But, that’s the right way to go.

This Week’s Question:

I have a dear friend who was in my choir when I attended my former church.  She’s a strong, godly woman, and influential in her community.  We used to meet for visits and prayer.  It’s been her desire for years that my ex-husband and I reconcile, and in the early years of my separation we did pray for that together.  Once I moved to another church, we lost touch as our circles no longer regularly collided.

Recently she emailed me out of the blue, suggesting we get together for a meal at a local restaurant.  She was a bit vague about why she wanted to meet, saying something about a dinner she’s organizing in the winter.  I was looking forward to reconnecting with an old friend.  It crossed my mind that she might be staging some kind of “intervention” but I dismissed that thought.  We were to meet tonight.

I received a call from my ex-husband this morning, admitting that he’d been feeling unsettled, as she had let him know of her plan a few days ago. I was calm, but said “no, this is not going to work,” and I did not go to the meeting.  To add to that, the senior pastor of that church had met with him yesterday as well, as a go-between for my friend and her plan.  My ex still goes to that church and volunteers as an usher.

I felt doubly betrayed. This Pastor was the same one who had suggested that I resign from my ministry when my ex and I separated, and who bungled the aftermath terribly.  His associate Pastor had said that because my ex had “stopped being unfaithful” several years before, that the reason I was leaving him was hardness of heart.

I’m not sure what to do.  I was doing fine, but it feels like a band aid has been ripped off an old wound.  I’m not sure what to say to my friend. I know her heart is in the right place, but this action is just wrong in so many ways.  It involved deception.  She doesn’t know all the details of his behavior over the years, and she doesn’t know what goes on in his life behind closed doors.  It hurts that she didn’t ask me how I’m doing, or what’s going on.  It hurts that she thinks a movie-cute moment will repair decades of damage.  It hurts that she makes me question myself and my life all over again.

Am I right to be upset?  Or am I over-reacting?

Sharmen’s Response:

I am so sorry that you’re experiencing a well-meaning friend who is actually heaping more harm on you!  You are totally right to feel doubly betrayed, because that is what it is. None of them know the real details, none of them are living in your shoes.

I think you could simply tell her what you said here: That you know her heart is in the right place, but that this was wrong.  It broke your trust with her, and you are so sad about that, but what has happened in your marriage won’t be fixed by an intervention at this point.  It’s okay to tell her how disappointed you are that she did that. You have nothing to lose by being honest, and what she does with it will show you what kind of friend she really is.  And being honest (even vulnerable) with her will actually help you keep your emotional footing.

I know it hurts. And it does feel like it’s ripping open the wound again.  But I’ve learned that is sometimes a part of the journey.  Keep putting one foot in front of the other and let your life be your testimony.  At the end of the day, your journey is your own – not hers, not the church’s, not your ex’s.  And God knows, He sees.  He will guide your steps even when you are questioning them…Lay it at the foot of the cross…

I know you wrestle with whether or not you’re being hard-hearted.  That is a common feeling, I think brought on by the church’s teaching that we must “”turn the other cheek”” and “”endure suffering””…  But, the context of both those thoughts is for Christ’s sake.  Not for sin’s sake. Not to enable or cover up or hide sin. Not to pay for someone else’s sin. Not for your husband’s sake to stay in his harmful behavior.  Loving like Christ loved sometimes meant leaving people to their own selves while inviting them into a better relationship.

You are where you are, moving yourself away from how you are being mistreated. That’s not hardheartedness, it’s common sense.  Rather than ruminate over what-ifs, keep your eyes on how God is healing you and leading you through this.  No matter what your story has been, the only space in time you can make a difference in it is right now, the next step.