Narcissism has become a popular buzzword in recent years, often used to describe anyone displaying selfish or self-centered behavior. But what if narcissism, in the way it’s commonly understood, isn’t the real issue at all? According to Dr. David Hawkins, Director of the Marriage Recovery Center and the Emotional Abuse Institute, we might be missing the bigger picture. Narcissism is overused as a label, and emotional abuse, rather than clinical narcissism, is far more prevalent in relationships today.
Dr. David Hawkins explores the true nature of narcissism, what narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) actually entails, and why emotional abuse is the issue we should be paying more attention to.
Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
The term narcissism is often used loosely to describe people who exhibit selfish or arrogant behavior. However, true narcissistic personality disorder is a rare and severe psychological condition. Dr. Hawkins estimates that NPD occurs in as little as 0.01% of the population, which challenges the notion that narcissism is widespread. Moreover, individuals with NPD rarely seek help, making it difficult to accurately gauge its prevalence.
NPD is difficult to treat because those who have it do not recognize their behavior as problematic. They are unlikely to seek therapy and even less likely to participate meaningfully in treatment. As a result, Dr. Hawkins notes that it has been a long time since he encountered a genuine case of NPD, despite receiving dozens of referrals each month. The rarity of true NPD should shift our focus to more common forms of destructive behavior in relationships.
The Nine Traits of NPD
To be diagnosed with NPD, a person must meet certain clinical criteria. Here are the nine traits that are commonly associated with the disorder:
- Grandiose sense of self-importance – The individual believes they are exceptional and superior to others.
- Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, or brilliance – They constantly imagine themselves achieving greatness.
- Belief of being special and unique – They believe that only other high-status individuals can understand them.
- Need for excessive admiration – They require constant praise and validation from others.
- Sense of entitlement – They expect special treatment and automatically assume their needs should come first.
- Interpersonally exploitative behavior – They take advantage of others to achieve their goals.
- Lack of empathy – They are unwilling or unable to recognize or understand the feelings and needs of others.
- Envy of others – They are jealous of those who are successful or possess something they want.
- Arrogance and haughty behavior – They act superior and belittle those around them.
While many people may recognize a few of these traits in someone they know, it’s important to remember that NPD is a clinical diagnosis that must be made by a professional. Not every self-centered or arrogant person has narcissistic personality disorder.
Narcissism on a Spectrum
Dr. Hawkins points out that narcissism exists on a spectrum. A little bit of narcissistic behavior can go a long way and may not always indicate a personality disorder. For example, having a desire for success or admiration is natural to some extent. It only becomes problematic when these traits are taken to the extreme and impact a person’s relationships and interactions with others.
Instead of jumping to label someone a “narcissist,” it is essential to consider whether their behavior constitutes a deeper issue, such as emotional abuse.
Emotional Abuse: The Real Problem
According to Dr. Hawkins, emotional abuse is much more prevalent in relationships than narcissistic personality disorder. Emotional abuse, at its core, is a preoccupation with one’s own needs and desires at the expense of another person. It may not involve the extreme traits of NPD, but it is still incredibly harmful.
Emotional abuse often manifests as a pattern of selfish, controlling behavior in which one partner’s needs are consistently prioritized over the other’s. Over time, this dynamic leaves the victim feeling diminished, devalued, and trapped in a toxic relationship. Emotional abuse is not about one-off acts of selfishness but about recurring patterns that create an imbalance of power.
Dr. Hawkins explains that the abuser may have a variety of motives for their behavior, such as a need to win arguments, always being right, or avoiding accountability for their actions. They may have a “thin skin” and react defensively to any perceived threat to their ego, even if that means disregarding their partner’s feelings and well-being.
The Impact of Emotional Abuse
One of the most destructive aspects of emotional abuse is its insidious nature. Unlike physical abuse, emotional abuse can be harder to identify because it often occurs subtly and gradually over time. The abuser chips away at the victim’s sense of self, leaving them feeling smaller and more powerless with each incident.
The abuser, meanwhile, grows larger in their sense of importance, feeding off the imbalance they’ve created in the relationship. This dynamic causes immense emotional harm, often leading the victim to question their own worth and reality.
Dr. Hawkins emphasizes that emotional abuse happens “again and again and again” in abusive relationships. The abusive partner does not make room for their partner’s feelings, needs, or desires, effectively crowding them out of the relationship.
Moving Beyond the Narcissism Label
So, what should we call it when someone behaves in a way that feels narcissistic? Dr. Hawkins suggests we stop using the term “narcissist” so liberally and instead focus on the real issue: emotional abuse. Labeling someone as a narcissist might feel satisfying, but it does little to address the underlying problems.
Instead, we should recognize the patterns of behavior that diminish, devalue, and control others. Emotional abuse needs intervention just as much as more extreme forms of narcissism do, and in many cases, it may be more urgent to address.
Intervention and Hope
Despite the damage caused by emotional abuse, Dr. Hawkins is clear that intervention is possible. While it requires a significant shift in attitude and behavior, particularly from the abusive partner, meaningful change can happen.
The programs offered by the Marriage Recovery Center, for example, are designed to help emotionally abusive men recognize and change their destructive behavior. However, change is not easy. It often takes a breakdown for the abusive individual to realize that their coping mechanisms are not working. The road to healing requires confrontation, self-awareness, and the cultivation of empathy.
Conclusion: Narcissism Is Not What You Think
In conclusion, narcissism, as popularly understood, is not the epidemic many believe it to be. True narcissistic personality disorder is rare, but emotional abuse is widespread and just as harmful. By shifting our focus from labeling people as narcissists to addressing the real issue of emotional abuse, we can better understand and address the patterns of behavior that erode relationships.
If you or someone you know is experiencing emotional abuse, know that intervention is possible. Recognizing the signs and seeking help can be the first step toward healing and reclaiming a sense of self-worth. Narcissism may not be what you think, but emotional abuse is real—and it’s time we start talking about it.
To learn how we can help, reach out to us at (206) 219-0145 or info@marriagerecoverycenter.com to speak with a Client Care Specialist
Also read: Why Couples Counseling Doesn’t Work?
About Dr. Hawkins:
The internet is inundated with hyperbole and misinformation about narcissism, leaving many people confused and hopeless. Get the facts on narcissism and emotional abuse from someone who has been researching, writing about and treating narcissism and emotional abuse for over a decade.
Dr. Hawkins is a best-selling author and clinical psychologist with over three decades of experience helping people break unhealthy patterns and build healthier relationships.
He is the founder and director of the Marriage Recovery Center and the Emotional Abuse Institute which offers education, training and counseling for people who want to break free of, and heal from, emotional abuse. Whether the perpetrator of the abuse is your spouse, partner, parent, boss, friend or family member, we offer practical advice for anyone trapped in a toxic, destructive relationship.
In addition to narcissism & emotional abuse, you’ll learn about the lesser known forms of abuse, including covert abuse, reactive abuse, spiritual abuse, secondary abuse, relationship trauma and much more.
