There is something I’d like you to do today: Think about enjoying the moment for what it is. I know this sounds crazy when you’re in the middle of a chaotic or traumatic relationship. You are probably utterly consumed by the pain and confusion. And I certainly don’t mean enjoy THAT!
But, humor me for a bit. Is it quiet right now? How’s your cup of coffee? Or soda or water, if that’s your preference. Is the sun shining on your face? Can you see peace in the moment? Maybe go for that run you’ve longed for? Circle the kids and read them a fun story or make cookies together? Is there some way, in this hour, that God has brought you reprieve from what’s been going on?
That’s what I want you to enjoy. Breathe it in deeply. Let the solace of this single moment wash over you and bring refreshment to your soul. It may be just a faint wisp, but if you learn to capitalize upon these moments, you can begin to feel a cumulative effect on your heart. As you learn to choose joy and practice walking it out, your feelings will catch up. The even greater benefit is that it will allow your mind some peace, which will help you begin to think a little more clearly.
This Week’s Question:
I feel so hardhearted towards him right now. I don’t think I really want to work on this marriage anymore. But I don’t want a divorce. Sometimes I see him as this hurting little boy and I feel sorry for him. I wonder if I’m the one being mean. I am trying to stay focused on what I need to do but do feel so overwhelmed by my emotions at times. I realize I get more upset when I think about my husband and his reactions…is it ok for me to not really think about him right now? meaning….when I think of asking him to leave I start feeling bad for him…
Sharmen’s Answer:
I know you wrestle with whether or not you’re being hard-hearted. That is a common feeling, I think brought on by the church’s teaching that we must “turn the other cheek” and “endure suffering”… But, the context of both those thoughts is for Christ’s sake. Not for sin’s sake. Not to enable or cover up or hide sin. Not to pay for someone else’s sin. Not for your husband’s sake to stay in his harmful behavior. Loving like Christ loved sometimes meant leaving people to their own selves while inviting them into a better relationship.
You are where you are, moving yourself away from how you are being mistreated. That’s not hard-heartedness, it’s common sense. Sometimes loving someone means moving out of the way (or staging an intervention) so they can feel the consequences of their own choices, with the end result being that they realize and own the need to change their behavior.
Rather than ruminate over what-ifs, keep your eyes on how God is healing you and leading you through this. No matter what your story has been, the only space in time you can make a difference in it is right now, the next step.
