“Boundaries. You probably knew that topic would pop up somewhere in here.  So, I’m going to jump right in with it. You know that isn’t just a buzzword, right? Whether you consciously think through them or not, you do have boundaries, and you do operate within them in every one of your relationships.  A boundary is simply the line in the sand that designates what you will tolerate from the other person to stay in that relationship, and what you will not.

If you have not been intentional about your boundaries, then two things have probably been happening: 1) You are putting up with way more harm than you “should” be, and 2) the other party is actually being rewarded for their harmful behavior.  In other words, you let them off the hook for behavior you’ve told yourself you’d never accept, and they don’t feel the harm of what they’ve done. The effect is that your feelings for them are slowly being destroyed, and they can’t see any real need to change.

I have a client I’ve seen for a few sessions now, and the bulk of what we’ve worked on is detaching from her husband’s harmful behavior. (We’ll talk more about detaching in our next episode.)  Of course, part of detaching is setting intentional boundaries.  She mentioned, “I’ve been working on setting boundaries with him. His problem is his attitude! He’s just surly and mean. I’ll just leave the room when he’s like that.”

Her next woeful statement was, “But he’s just not changing.”

Your natural tendency is to run and hide, to remove yourself from a harmful situation, right?  That sounds like a good boundary tactic, as well.  And, sometimes it is! But, sometimes removing yourself might be the very thing they want, which, in effect, reinforces their ugly behavior.  For this husband, his surliness was being rewarded! He was fine and dandy without her interrupting his show.   A better consequence in this case would be to stay in the room and crank up the volume of your own healthy sense of self. Call your best friend and have a great conversation, connecting, sharing, enjoying the relationship.  Or turn on your favorite music – loudly- and let yourself sing along.  Show him the joy he’s missing out on.  It’s okay to be annoying about it.  It’s you being you, and letting him stew in his own ugliness.

He still might not change, depending on how stubborn and proud he is. But, he’ll definitely have to deal with the reality of the boundary now.”

This Week’s Question:

My estranged husband called today I mentioned to him we were going to The Fringe – a street performer festival – and he said, “Oh cool! Can I come!?”   I was caught off guard because I had it on speaker in the van and the girls were listening, so I said that would be fine…It was not fine.

I was so uncomfortable and he kept trying to kinda sit close to me and was looking at me ALOT and it just really made me feel not good. On the drive home I could just feel him staring at me (I was driving).

He said, “I had such a fun time tonight.”

I said , “Ya, it’s fun there.”

He said, “No, I meant more like with you and the girls.”

I hate that I even agreed to it and I feel like he now thinks that we’re getting back together soon. What in the world do I do or say to make it clear that is definitely not in the plan?

Sharmen’s Response:

The very best thing you can do is have a conversation to clear the air. It’s okay, even after-the-fact, to say you aren’t ready for more yet, that didn’t work, you need to see more from him before you are willing to reconcile, etc. Don’t leave room for assumptions. He may not like what he hears, but being authentic (which means open and real) with him provides the best opportunity to heal what is broken in the relationship – even if that “healing” doesn’t include restoration of the relationship. This is a perfect opportunity for you to practice functioning from your core self. In other words, taking the courage to stand up for what you believe and to graciously say what you really need from him. In this case, it could have been something like, “I can see that you are showing a desire to get back to life together, but I need to feel respected, and right now that means giving me the space to heal by not inviting yourself along.” It is hard to think of an appropriate response when you’re caught off-guard, but knowing how to live from your core will lessen the chance of getting stuck in that position. Take some time to journal what your values are, what you want your life to be known for, and what story you want it to tell. This will help you be more intentional about how you stand up for yourself in those moments when you feel threatened, insecure, or afraid.

The more straightforward you are with your boundaries, the better you will be able to see who he really is as well. Does he crowd you when you ask for space? Does he throw a fit in front of the kids? What does he do with his disappointment and frustration? Is his response understanding? What is he doing for his own self-care? How is he managing is own emotions? Is he demanding trust, forgiveness, sex, or his way? Watching for the answer to these kinds of questions will tell you a lot about him, and that will give you clarity about how to walk out your own life.

Another key element is to eliminate your own assumptions. Don’t try to figure out what he’s thinking or feeling, but respond to what he actually does. If there is something you’re wondering about, ask him rather than let it fester. You can eliminate a lot of anxiety by clearing the air of assumptions. Put your energy into living your own life, growing and healing, and learning to live it wisely and without fear.

What questions does this raise for you? What is something new you are inspired to do?