When we think of abuse in relationships, we often picture overt behaviors—yelling, controlling, insults, or even physical aggression. But not all abuse is visible. Not all wounds are loud. Some are silent, deep, and sustained over time, leaving a person feeling completely and utterly alone while technically still being “in a relationship.” One of the most insidious forms of emotional abuse is emotional neglect in marriage—especially when tied to narcissistic patterns.

Dr. David Hawkins, director of the Marriage Recovery Center and the Emotional Abuse Institute, sheds light on a form of covert emotional abuse that’s often overlooked but deeply damaging: narcissism as profound neglect. He works closely with women who are either in or recovering from emotionally abusive marriages, and the things they share reveal a common, painful pattern.

The Quiet Pain: What These Women Say

Women in emotionally abusive or narcissistic relationships often echo the same phrases:

• “I feel completely alone.”

• “I don’t feel seen or heard.”

• “It’s like I’m invisible.”

• “He lives his life, and I’m just… here.”

There’s no obvious yelling. No dramatic scenes. Sometimes, there’s nothing you could even point to and say, “See? That’s abuse.” And yet, the pain is very real. These women are not exaggerating—they’re experiencing a profound form of loneliness, one that’s particularly confusing because it’s happening inside a relationship that should be their safe haven.

They stay in these relationships, often for years, adapting and coping, convincing themselves that because there’s no obvious abuse, maybe what they’re feeling is an overreaction. But inside, they know something isn’t right.

Why Emotional Neglect Hurts So Deeply

Humans are wired for connection. We’re meant to be known, seen, and cared for—especially by the person we’ve committed our lives to. When this connection is missing, we don’t just feel disappointment—we feel heartbreak.

In emotionally neglectful marriages, especially those involving a narcissistic partner, the dynamic often shifts subtly over time:

• The narcissistic partner becomes increasingly self-focused.

• Their world gets bigger—more work, hobbies, personal interests.

• Meanwhile, the other partner’s world gets smaller.

• The connection fades, not with a bang, but with silence.

The neglected partner might try to talk about their feelings with friends or family, only to be met with confusion: “But he seems like such a nice guy!” Or, “At least he’s not hurting you.” And this invalidation only deepens the sense of isolation.

Narcissism and Profound Neglect

At its core, narcissism is about lack of empathy, self-centeredness, and an inability (or unwillingness) to emotionally attune to others. In marriage, this manifests as emotional abandonment.

Dr. Hawkins describes how narcissistic individuals often fail to “tune in.” They don’t listen deeply. They don’t notice changes in mood. They don’t ask how their partner is really doing. They might dismiss concerns, change the subject, or turn every conversation back to themselves.

This isn’t always intentional or malicious—but it is harmful.

Over time, this emotional disconnection becomes a kind of neglect. And unlike physical neglect, which we can observe, emotional neglect is invisible. But it can be just as damaging—sometimes more so.

How to Begin Healing: Three Steps Toward Reconnection

Dr. Hawkins offers a framework to help both partners understand and begin to repair this emotional gap. Whether you’re the one experiencing neglect or someone trying to support a partner, these steps provide a starting point.

1. Attunement: Learning to Really Tune In

Attunement means being deeply present with your partner—emotionally, mentally, and even physically. In his work with couples, Dr. Hawkins uses the acronym ATTUNE:

• A – Attend to her: Pay attention. Notice. Be present.

• T – Tune in to her: Try to sense what she’s feeling. Be curious, not defensive.

• T – Tolerate her distress: Don’t shut down or try to fix everything. Just be there.

• U – Understand her: Ask questions. Seek clarity. Really listen.

• N – Nurture her: Show care. Be gentle. Affirm her feelings.

• E – Empathize with her: Let her know she’s not alone in this.

Dr. Hawkins adds a second “E,” which he jokingly calls “Epsom salt”—a reminder to soak in her emotions and let her share her pain again and again, without judgment or avoidance.

2. Companionship: Be Her Friend Again

Friendship is the foundation of any strong relationship. But in emotionally neglectful marriages, that friendship often withers away. To rebuild it, both partners need to create intentional space for connection.

This involves:

• Watching what excites or upsets her.

• Noticing her body language and tone.

• Asking thoughtful, caring questions.

• Being vulnerable yourself.

Deep, loving conversations—not just about logistics or kids or bills—but about dreams, fears, goals, and growth—these are the building blocks of true companionship.

3. Intimacy: Into Me See

Emotional intimacy isn’t just about romantic gestures or physical affection—it’s about being fully known and accepted. True intimacy means saying, “Here’s who I really am,” and hearing, “I see you. I’m still here.”

To foster this level of connection:

• Take time to truly see your partner’s world.

• What are her passions? Her triggers? Her old wounds?

• What brings her joy? What makes her feel safe?

When a woman has been emotionally neglected, she often carries invisible wounds. Healing happens not just by recognizing them, but by choosing to walk beside her in that healing, again and again.

Emotional Neglect in Marriage – You Deserve to Be Seen

If you’ve been quietly suffering in a marriage where you feel invisible, please know that your pain is real. Emotional neglect may not leave bruises, but it leaves deep scars.

You deserve a relationship where you are seen, heard, and cherished. You deserve someone who notices when your eyes look tired or when your laugh doesn’t sound quite right. You deserve connection, care, and true companionship.

And if you’re the partner who recognizes you may have been emotionally distant, know that repair is possible—but it requires effort, humility, and time. Start with attunement. Start with friendship. Start by looking at your partner and choosing, again and again, to see her.

Because love isn’t just about being in the same house. It’s about being in each other’s hearts.

To learn how we can help, reach out to us at (206) 219-0145 or info@marriagerecoverycenter.com to speak with a Client Care Specialist

Also read: What’s Inside the Mind of a Narcissist?

About Dr. Hawkins:

The internet is inundated with hyperbole and misinformation about narcissism, leaving many people confused and hopeless. Get the facts on narcissism and emotional abuse from someone who has been researching, writing about and treating narcissism and emotional abuse for over a decade.

Dr. Hawkins is a best-selling author and clinical psychologist with over three decades of experience helping people break unhealthy patterns and build healthier relationships.

He is the founder and director of the Marriage Recovery Center and the Emotional Abuse Institute which offers education, training and counseling for people who want to break free of, and heal from, emotional abuse. Whether the perpetrator of the abuse is your spouse, partner, parent, boss, friend or family member, we offer practical advice for anyone trapped in a toxic, destructive relationship.

In addition to narcissism & emotional abuse, you’ll learn about the lesser known forms of abuse, including covert abuse, reactive abuse, spiritual abuse, secondary abuse, relationship trauma and much more.