We recently had a couple at the Marriage Recovery Center who stated from the beginning that they truly despised each other. Their past was full of lies, betrayal, and infidelity. They believed the only reasonable option for them was divorce.
This couple came to us as a last-ditch effort to show their friends and family that they had tried it all. As we began to unpack the many problems this couple had, we discovered that there were years of unresolved issues, as well as inadequate communication methods to achieve a resolution. Unfortunately, this problem is all too common. Couples end up feeling hurt and betrayed, and begin protecting their heart to avoid further hurt. Essentially, this leads to incredible resentment and downright hate for one another.
We see this deep hurt also lead to total isolation, which manifests itself through the silent treatment and total coldness. This is the typical state in which most marriages come to us.
I want to encourage those who are reading this blog that there IS hope. The bitterness and hurt can come to an end and healing can occur.
Before you decide to divorce, try this:
- Put aside your pride. Pride keeps us separate from our spouse. If we become focused on being right and justified, it is difficult for us to see our spouse’s perspective.
- Begin opening up with your spouse and share your deep wounds from your marriage. Come from your feelings. “The affair makes me feel betrayed, distrusting and unloved.”
- Take responsibility for wounding your spouse. Allow your spouse to share his/her feelings with you and let them know that you understand their feelings. Also let your spouse know specifically how you have contributed to them feeling betrayed, unloved, etc.
- Identify the issues that need to be addressed to ensure transparency and trust. What do you need from your spouse to begin trusting? Be specific.
- Seek intensive counseling. This is a key component. Many couples are so wounded from infidelity and betrayal that they cannot work through these difficult issues on their own. Intensive counseling gives you 8 hours each day to unpack all of the pain and work through each issue in a healthy way.
These tools can radically restore your marriage, helping you to find those feelings again that you once had for your spouse.
The Marriage Recovery Center staff would love to help you through your marriage crisis.
We are here to help…to inquire about a marriage intensive. Contact us today!