One of the ways you may be experiencing some crazy-making at your house may be through a subtle tactic of not answering a direct question with a direct answer. For example, you may ask, “Did you happen to leave in the middle of the night?” That is a yes or no question, but what you get in return may be something like, “Why? Was the garage door open again? One of our neighbors must have a remote with the same frequency!”

What just happened was evidence of deceit. He couldn’t just say yes or no. He doesn’t WANT to lie, so he distracts.

If you can’t shake the feeling that he can’t be trusted, even though you can’t put your finger on why, watch to see if this dynamic happens in your conversations. It doesn’t have to be within yes/no questions. If you are not getting a direct answer for a direct question, ask it again. Then maybe ask it a third time. See what he does with it. You will suddenly realize you are not crazy. He really is living in a world of half-truths and distractions. And you are not foolish to not trust him.
Neither are you unforgiving. That might be a whole topic for another day, but if he is dealing in distraction and half-truths, he is not proving himself trustworthy. You can forgive him, but you should not trust him. Those are two very different things.

What are your conversations like in your marriage? Do you walk away from them in frustration, thinking, “That was a simple question!”? Can you see where this might be contributing to feeling crazy? Was this a new revelation for you?

This Week’s Question:

I’m having a bad day. Feeling like I’ve failed again.

I have coffee with my husband (we’re separated) every now and then, as he’s asked if he can keep seeing me to show me he’s changed. Last week was a wonderful coffee. He said “I need to clarify some things. I want you to know I watched a couple of those videos you suggested and now I finally see the difference you’ve been telling me between forgiveness and reconciliation. Also – I know that you had every right to leave me and that reconciliation is totally your choice. You are under no obligation to accept me back.” We went on to have a lovely talk, and I warmed to him.

That was so wonderful to hear. I felt validated, finally. And lighter. And for a few days, really happy. And despite myself, deep down, I maybe began to have some hope for us.

Well, he didn’t contact me for a few days, and then asked me for coffee again this week. I had time to remember the cycle we had always gone through – a bit of intimacy, or a day of emotional intimacy, and then distance throughout our whole marriage. When we met today we were back to small talk and updates on the boat he and my son are reconditioning. It then went to him jokingly saying “if you’re looking for someone to travel with…” I’m frustrated that he just keeps coming back with the same stuff.

I get frustrated that he’s not doing any work – small group, accountability, counseling – something to grow and learn. And he counters defensively that he reads and prays and does good things for others. Of course it ended poorly. He accusing me of always setting the bar higher and never being satisfied.

Anyway I countered that, as usual, he’s blaming me – ‘I have too high standards, I’m never satisfied, I refuse to give him credit for ways he’s changed’….All the things he always said about me. It ended with him saying “Get out of my life. If you can’t be happy and give us a chance, leave and quit hurting me. Quit hurting yourself.”” So I left the table and went home.

I’m heartbroken and I feel like I’m right back at that scared, sad, place. What I always wanted when argued or fought, was for him to wade through the pain and pursue me. But he never did when we were married. Never. He has done it a time or two in our estrangement but I don’t trust that it will last. And it doesn’t.

I just feel like I’ve blown it again. It would be so much better to leave it in that in-between place where I let him talk small talk, and don’t talk about anything serious. At least then I could pretend that one day this might all just be better. Why do I keep asking for him to be something he’s not? I can’t seem to help myself. And then I feel so guilty. I expect him to change into someone he’s not.  And he’s convinced he already has.

Sharmen’s Answer:

I’m sorry it felt like such a bad day. And I’m hoping today has surprised you with something to bring fresh focus. I totally understand being frustrated by his lack of work, and with the evidence that his changes are only about getting what he wants, and that he very quickly resorts to ugliness. I AM glad you had the chance to feel finally validated! No matter what the outcome of that moment became, cherish the moment for what it was.

Something to think about: If you are heartbroken and right back in a scared, sad place because of what he has or has not done, you possibly have made his changing your hope. I don’t believe you’ve blown it again. I just see that you’ve put your hope in him instead of staying grounded in God. You’re right that he might never change, and that so much of your relationship will entail some sense of limbo and unresolve because he just doesn’t get it or desire to change. But that does not mean your life is done, your hope is gone, your dreams are lost in the wind. When you stay with your hope fully grounded in God, you learn to enjoy the moments for what they are. You learn to grow in them, and find strength to walk with dignity and grace.

Today is a new day, and no matter what you may feel like, you get to decide how you’ll live this day. Rather than let his behavior unsettle who you are, see it as revelation of who he really is. In other words, he’s telling you about himself. It’s okay to be sad that he still thinks that way. But, that’s where he is on his own journey, and you have your own journey to walk out.