Why Couples Counseling Doesn’t Work for Emotional Abuse? When there is narcissistic and emotional abuse occurring, couples counseling is not indicated. This strong statement stems from a deep understanding of the dynamics involved in such relationships and the potential harm that couples counseling doesn’t work in emotional abuse.
Unlike typical relational conflicts where both partners may share responsibility, emotional abuse is often one-sided, and traditional couples counseling approaches fail to address this imbalance effectively. Instead, they may exacerbate the victim’s pain and perpetuate the abusive cycle.
Understanding Emotional Abuse in Relationships
Emotional abuse involves a pattern of behavior where one partner systematically undermines the other’s sense of self-worth, autonomy, and emotional well-being. Narcissistic abuse, a subset of emotional abuse, often involves manipulation, gaslighting, and other forms of psychological control.
In such dynamics, the perpetrator—frequently exhibiting narcissistic traits—may use tactics such as:
- Blame shifting
- Minimization of their actions
- Rationalization and justification
- Provocation and gaslighting
The victim often finds themselves in a shrinking world, losing their voice, confidence, and ability to stand up for themselves. Without addressing the abuser’s harmful behaviors first, couples counseling can reinforce these patterns instead of resolving them.
The Problem with Traditional Couples Counseling
Couples counseling is built on the premise that both partners contribute equally to relational issues and that they can collaborate to resolve them. However, when emotional abuse is present, this assumption does not hold true. The abuser’s actions dominate the dynamic, leaving the victim in a position where they cannot engage in therapy on an equal footing.
Misguided Assumptions
In traditional counseling, the therapist may mistakenly view the relationship as a “two-way street,” assuming both partners share responsibility for communication breakdowns and conflicts. This approach often leads to:
- Assigning blame to the victim for reactive behaviors
- Overlooking the abuser’s manipulative tactics
- Treating surface-level symptoms without addressing the root cause—the abuse
Such errors can result in secondary abuse, where the victim feels unheard, invalidated, and further traumatized.
Recognizing Emotional Abuse Dynamics
It’s essential for therapists and individuals to recognize when couples counseling is inappropriate. Emotional abuse often involves one partner systematically dominating and controlling the other. A skilled clinician must assess whether both partners can:
- Hold space for each other’s emotions
- Empathize with and validate each other’s perspectives
- Take ownership of harmful actions and commit to meaningful change
In most cases involving emotional abuse, the abusive partner struggles with these abilities, while the victim may have already worked extensively on their emotional intelligence and communication skills.
A Case for Individual Work First
Before entering couples counseling, the abusive partner must demonstrate a willingness to:
- Acknowledge their harmful behaviors
- Identify and address their patterns of emotional abuse
- Make consistent efforts to repair the damage done
- Engage in healing actions to rebuild trust and safety
Without these steps, any attempt at couples counseling is premature and likely to harm the victim further.
Why Couples Counseling Doesn’t Work for Emotional Abuse
Couples counseling often fails in cases of emotional abuse because it places the victim in a vulnerable position without adequate safeguards. The abuser’s manipulative tendencies may dominate the therapy sessions, making it impossible to achieve the mutual understanding and collaboration required for success.
Harmful Outcomes of Premature Counseling
When couples counseling is initiated without addressing the abuse, the victim may experience:
- Increased confusion and self-doubt due to the abuser’s gaslighting and blame shifting
- Emotional retraumatization from reliving their experiences without adequate support
- Reinforcement of the power imbalance as the abuser exploits the therapeutic process
These outcomes not only hinder progress but also exacerbate the victim’s emotional distress.
Indicators of Readiness for Couples Counseling
For couples counseling to be effective in situations involving past abuse, both partners must meet specific criteria:
- The abuser’s readiness: They must take responsibility for their actions, exhibit genuine remorse, and demonstrate a commitment to change.
- The victim’s safety: They must feel secure enough to express themselves without fear of retaliation or further harm.
- The therapist’s expertise: The clinician must have specialized knowledge of narcissism and emotional abuse, as well as the ability to halt the counseling process if harm occurs.
Steps Toward Healing
Instead of jumping into couples counseling, a safer approach involves:
- Individual Therapy for the Abuser: Focused on unlearning harmful behaviors, developing empathy, and adopting healthier relational patterns.
- Support for the Victim: Providing a safe space to process their experiences, rebuild their self-esteem, and regain their voice.
- Gradual Progression: Only when the abuser has demonstrated consistent change and the victim feels secure should couples counseling be considered.
Creating a Safe and Healing Environment
The ultimate goal in addressing emotional abuse is to create a relationship where both partners can:
- Acknowledge past harm
- Engage in healing behaviors
- Build trust and safety
This process requires time, effort, and the guidance of a skilled clinician who understands the complexities of emotional abuse.
Why Couples Counseling Doesn’t Work for Emotional Abuse – Conclusion
Couples counseling doesn’t work for emotional abuse because it fails to address the power imbalance and manipulation inherent in these relationships. Instead of fostering healing, it can lead to further harm and retraumatization for the victim. By prioritizing individual work and ensuring readiness, both partners can create a foundation for genuine transformation and, potentially, a healthier relationship in the future.
To learn how we can help, reach out to us at (206) 219-0145 or info@marriagerecoverycenter.com to speak with a Client Care Specialist
Also read: How to Get a Narcissist to Go to Counseling
About Dr. Hawkins:
The internet is inundated with hyperbole and misinformation about narcissism, leaving many people confused and hopeless. Get the facts on narcissism and emotional abuse from someone who has been researching, writing about and treating narcissism and emotional abuse for over a decade.
Dr. Hawkins is a best-selling author and clinical psychologist with over three decades of experience helping people break unhealthy patterns and build healthier relationships.
He is the founder and director of the Marriage Recovery Center and the Emotional Abuse Institute which offers education, training and counseling for people who want to break free of, and heal from, emotional abuse. Whether the perpetrator of the abuse is your spouse, partner, parent, boss, friend or family member, we offer practical advice for anyone trapped in a toxic, destructive relationship.
In addition to narcissism & emotional abuse, you’ll learn about the lesser known forms of abuse, including covert abuse, reactive abuse, spiritual abuse, secondary abuse, relationship trauma and much more.
