Over decades of working with people in many capacities and from all walks of life, I have seen that people need time and space to struggle with and learn from their old habits and patterns and to integrate newer, healthier ideas into their lives. The key words here are space and struggle—concepts that often make a person’s spouse quite uncomfortable. So, why does someone need space from their partner in order to grow?
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Nearly 50% of families in the U.S. today are blended families (remarried or recoupled). According to Allianz, an insurance and investment company, many blended families tend to be more financially challenged than non-blended families, more likely to live paycheck to paycheck, and more likely to feel that their spouse/partner brought financial baggage to the relationship that’s hard to overcome.
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Cut a tree open and count the rings—that’ll tell you how old the tree is. Each ring represents the amount of new wood produced during the growing season. Occasionally a tree will go a year without any new growth; sometimes it’ll produce two rings in one year. But, more or less, a ring equals a year. Chronologically, we humans work kind of the same way. Our outside changes—like graying hair or wrinkled and sagging skin—are all common signs of our age. Someone who is 60 years old usually looks around 60 years old.
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Over the next few months, we’re going to be diving deep into the art of communication, which I see as the single biggest area of personal growth. Communication, when done elegantly and thoughtfully, can make us feel connected to others and help us feel understood. But, when done poorly, communication can contribute to conflict and alienate us from ourselves and our loved ones. Furthermore, among couples, while bad communication might not be the root of all conflicts, it certainly interferes with any attempt at resolution.
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Many of us have grown up with Oprah Winfrey, and we’ve seen her evolve from the young actress in The Color Purple to the powerful businesswoman, philanthropist, and activist that she is today. These days, she appears to be capable of doing pretty much anything she sets her mind to. But for a woman who seems to have everything, we have also seen her frequently struggle with her weight. We have watched her go from overweight to healthy to overweight again, time after time. Even with access to so many of the resources, we think necessary to stay fit, trim, and healthy
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Do you talk down to your spouse and then become surprised when they snap at you or give you the silent treatment? Years ago, I was working in a traditional finance job at a venture capital firm and we were lucky enough to have a seasoned executive teach a workshop on communication. He was a straight-shooter, and the methodology he shared with our firm that day was remarkably simple, but also remarkably powerful.
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Here at the Marriage Recovery Center, our primary mission is to bring struggling couples closer together and teach them the necessary tools to promote long-term happiness through mutual, compassionate support. This good work can only be possible when each partner is genuinely able to feel what they’re feeling, to communicate these emotions effectively to others, and then to make healthy choices that support their utmost well-being. For only when we are healthy can we help our relationships to thrive.
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The Story of Two Monks One of my favorite parables that teaches us to be in the present moment is the story of the two monks and the woman. It goes something like this: two monks, one old and one quite young, are walking down a wooded path, preparing to cross a river, when they come upon a woman crying by the riverside. The older monk approaches the woman and asks her what’s wrong. She tells him that a few days back she crossed this river to visit relatives in a nearby town. But now that she’s returned, and the
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We’ve all heard the pre-flight instruction, “in the event of a loss of cabin pressure, air-masks will drop from the overhead compartment. You should put yours on first before helping others.” Intuitively we know this makes sense, and we probably even do it on airplanes when a crisis calls for it. So then why do we so often forget this very sentiment in so many other areas of our life?
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