“I’ve got several clients right now who feel like they’re the “man down,” meaning they know they’ve really messed things up and are trying to figure out how to undo the damage. It takes a very strong sense of humility to do that well, and our natural tendency is NOT to be humble. So, they’ll call me up and say, “I can’t do anything right. She just keeps telling me I’m a liar.” Or I’ll hear, “Nothing is changing! He still hates me!”

I usually respond with two key thoughts: 1) You cannot control how he/she thinks, responds, or heals in this mess, and 2) you deal with the past by doing life differently.

They are on their own journey through this. How he/she processes and heals through what’s been done to them is their own choice. It’s quite possible that they have been so hurt – and the relationship so broken – that trust may never be fully restored. But, their part of that equation is up to them. Demanding trust, forgiveness, or reconciliation will usually do more damage to the relationship than good. Those things are earned, not demanded.

Now that this mess, whatever it is, is out in the open, you are at a crossroad. Are you going to continue your previous behavior that landed you here? Or does this make you see the need to change your direction? You can’t undo what’s been done. The moments with the other person are gone. The money spent on your own desires is wasted. The kids are grown. The reputation you lost will take the rest of your life to rebuild. Your spouse will never look at you the same.

You can, however, decide to do life differently. Even with accusations and reminders of your past, you have the power within you to walk a different path. This is true even with the hard work of becoming trustworthy, taking responsibility for your sin, and changing your character to never be “that” person again. Your spouse may never let go of the hurt. But you don’t control that. You can only control you. And how you handle the adversity, especially that brought about by your own behavior, will be what ultimately defines your character, not what someone else may believe .

Here is a practical way to walk that out: Make a list of the character qualities you want to be known for. Filter all your actions through the question Will my next step move me closer to those qualities or farther away from these? Be intentional about your next step, and make sure it aligns with who you want to be.

This Week’s Question:

I’ve been working on detaching from my emotionally abusive husband. I don’t want a divorce, and I know that there are ways I can live well staying married even though my husband won’t change. I’m struggling with how to let God fill in the gaps… I can’t see him, or hear him, or feel him. I do believe he’s watching over this mess, but how do I connect with him enough to have these desperate aches in my heart eased? I long for conversation, and flowers, and hugs! How do I let God be enough?

Sharmen’s Answer:

I struggled with that same question, especially when I first started working through healing and realized how very alone I was. He certainly wasn’t whispering sweet-nothings into my ears or taking me out to dinner or opening my car-door for me. There came a point, however, when I realized he WAS showing me his love. I just had to learn to look for it from a different perspective.

For example, I’ve always loved hawks. My internship was a little over an hour’s drive away, and I started noticing how many hawks I would see every day along the way. It was usually at least five. I only counted those I saw on a branch of a tree or the top of a pole, because I couldn’t always distinguish whether those flying might be a turkey buzzard instead. While I don’t believe in omens, or that hawks had any power to watch over or save me, every sighting reminded me that God was watching over me.

Every time I see a hawk, I catch my breath for just a second. Same thing with a really pretty sunrise or sunset, moments of peace or laughter, and the smell of spring. Maybe it sounds a little crazy, but to me, things like this are how He brings me flowers and says I love you. He uses the things I can see and hear and touch to remind me of his love for me in tangible ways. Sometimes they catch me by surprise, but always they remind me he is near.