Recognizing the Pattern: When Reactions Overshadow Concerns

Dr. David Hawkins often encounters clients struggling to voice their concerns effectively within relationships. Many describe feeling “maddened” when they try to address issues—such as loneliness or emotional disconnection—only for their partner or friend’s defensive reaction to overshadow the original problem.

Imagine you share feelings of loneliness with a friend, hoping for empathy, only to receive a defensive response like, “Why would you be lonely?” Instead of addressing the concern, the person dismisses it or interprets it as a personal criticism. This reaction can be disheartening, preventing productive discussion and pushing one to withdraw rather than feel supported.

In these cases, the core issue—the loneliness, fear, or need for connection—is left unresolved. Over time, repeatedly encountering this dynamic can slowly erode the relationship, pushing one party to withdraw due to the lack of emotional safety.

The Need for Empathy and Open Communication

In healthy relationships, individuals feel safe enough to voice their concerns without fear of immediate dismissal or defensiveness. Feeling secure in communicating vulnerabilities is essential for sustaining strong, lasting bonds. Without this assurance, individuals may begin to distance themselves to protect their emotions.

Empathy, curiosity, and compassion are vital for open communication. When someone feels understood rather than judged, they’re more likely to stay engaged and feel valued. For example, a response like “I’m sorry you feel this way; can you tell me more about it?” invites further conversation and signals that their feelings matter.

If empathy isn’t forthcoming, and one’s concerns are consistently met with defensiveness, it can be challenging to foster a healthy dialogue. In this situation, assertive communication may help steer the focus back onto the issue at hand, potentially facilitating a more solution-oriented discussion.

Strategies for Refocusing the Conversation

When someone’s reaction takes priority over your concern, it’s critical to re-center the focus. Here are several steps that Dr. Hawkins suggests:

1. Bring the Focus Back to the Original Concern

• Politely but firmly ask the person to stay focused on the issue you’re raising. For instance, if you’re discussing feelings of loneliness, explain that the immediate priority is to address this feeling, not their reaction to hearing it. It’s reasonable to say, “We can discuss your reaction later, but right now, I’d like to focus on what I’m feeling.”

2. Set Boundaries for the Conversation

• If the individual continues to redirect the focus to their reaction, you might need to establish boundaries. Let them know that while you understand their feelings may be affected by what you’re saying, it’s essential for them to listen openly at this moment.
• Assert that the current conversation should prioritize solutions to your concern, whether it’s finding ways to feel more connected or addressing underlying fears.

3. Insist on a Solution-Focused Discussion

• Rather than allowing the conversation to spiral into justifications, blame-shifting, or arguments about personal feelings, insist on keeping it solution-focused. If the issue is loneliness, discuss concrete ways to reduce this feeling. If fear is involved, focus on steps that can foster a sense of security and reassurance.
• Example statements include: “I want us to discuss ways we can work on this together. Let’s focus on practical solutions.”

4. Defer Their Reactions for Another Time

• Reassure the person that their feelings are valid and can be discussed later, but make it clear that the present conversation is centered on resolving your concern. Statements such as, “Your feelings matter, and we can talk about them later, but right now, let’s work on this issue,” may help maintain the conversation’s focus.
• If necessary, remind them that their defensive response is derailing the discussion and that addressing your needs requires uninterrupted attention.

5. Step Away if Necessary

• If the conversation continues to be unproductive, you may need to step back. Reaffirm your intention to solve the issue, but express that the current discussion isn’t moving forward. Consider revisiting the topic after a break or at another time when emotions have settled.
• Withdrawal can sometimes signal to the other person that their response is unhelpful, prompting them to reconsider their approach. However, consistent refusal to engage in meaningful dialogue may indicate deeper compatibility issues.

The Importance of Emotional Focus in Relationships

Emotional focus is vital for resolving conflicts effectively. Misplaced focus—where reactions overshadow concerns—can create a pattern Dr. Hawkins describes as “crazy-making.” This refers to interactions where issues are minimized, rationalized, or shifted onto the other person, preventing constructive resolution. Examples of this pattern include:

• Blame-shifting: Redirecting the issue to make it seem like it’s your fault.
• Minimization: Downplaying your feelings as unimportant or irrational.
• Justification: Rationalizing the behavior that’s causing the problem rather than addressing it.
• Playing the Victim: Making themselves the focus of sympathy, detracting from your initial concern.

This dynamic fosters resentment and frustration, often preventing true understanding or compromise.

Cultivating Respectful Communication Habits

Respectful communication, rooted in empathy and curiosity, forms the basis of any thriving relationship. Here are some tips for cultivating these habits:

• Listen Actively: Engage fully in the conversation without planning a defense or rebuttal.
• Validate Emotions: Acknowledge the other person’s feelings as legitimate without immediately reacting defensively.
• Avoid Defensiveness: Resist the urge to interpret every concern as a personal attack.
• Encourage Vulnerability: Create a safe space for open dialogue, where both parties feel free to express concerns without fear of dismissal.

Each of these practices encourages honest, constructive conversation, allowing both individuals to work together toward understanding and resolving concerns.

Recognizing When to Step Away

Unfortunately, not all relationships can support the depth of open communication required for meaningful problem-solving. If your attempts to re-center conversations on your concerns are consistently met with resistance, it may be necessary to reconsider the relationship. Repeated defensiveness and an unwillingness to engage in solution-focused dialogue can signify incompatible communication styles or emotional maturity levels.

Taking a break, or even stepping back from the relationship, can sometimes be the healthiest choice. By doing so, you protect your emotional well-being and make room for relationships that offer the support, understanding, and empathy necessary for growth.

Conclusion: Stop Avoiding, Denying, and Dismissing Your Problems

Facing difficult conversations in relationships requires patience, empathy, and a willingness to set aside personal reactions for the sake of productive communication. By following Dr. Hawkins’ advice, you can establish boundaries and refocus conversations on the concerns you bring forward. Over time, this approach can foster healthier relationships rooted in mutual respect, empathy, and open communication.

Relationships thrive when individuals feel heard, valued, and supported. Insisting on maintaining focus during difficult conversations isn’t selfish; it’s an essential step toward building and preserving connections that are both meaningful and fulfilling.

To learn how we can help, reach out to us at (206) 219-0145 or info@marriagerecoverycenter.com to speak with a Client Care Specialist

Also read: Narcissism: It’s Not What You Think

About Dr. Hawkins:

The internet is inundated with hyperbole and misinformation about narcissism, leaving many people confused and hopeless. Get the facts on narcissism and emotional abuse from someone who has been researching, writing about and treating narcissism and emotional abuse for over a decade.

Dr. Hawkins is a best-selling author and clinical psychologist with over three decades of experience helping people break unhealthy patterns and build healthier relationships.

He is the founder and director of the Marriage Recovery Center and the Emotional Abuse Institute which offers education, training and counseling for people who want to break free of, and heal from, emotional abuse. Whether the perpetrator of the abuse is your spouse, partner, parent, boss, friend or family member, we offer practical advice for anyone trapped in a toxic, destructive relationship.

In addition to narcissism & emotional abuse, you’ll learn about the lesser known forms of abuse, including covert abuse, reactive abuse, spiritual abuse, secondary abuse, relationship trauma and much more.