Narcissism is often seen in a negative light, but is it always a bad thing? Not necessarily. Narcissism exists on a continuum, meaning it has varying degrees of intensity. At its healthiest, it can be viewed as self-awareness or self-care. However, when taken to the extreme, narcissism becomes a significant issue for those around the individual and can lead to toxic relationships, workplaces, and environments.
Dr. David Hawkins explores the concept of narcissism, its healthy aspects, and unhealthy narcissism, delving into three key danger signs that indicate when it crosses the line into destructive territory.
Narcissism on a Continuum
Before diving into the danger signs, it’s essential to understand that narcissism is not simply all good or all bad. Think of it as a spectrum of self-involvement. At one end, you have individuals who lack any involvement with themselves. These people may go through life without understanding what they feel, want, or need. Without a clear sense of self, their life may become chaotic, directionless, and unstable.
On the other end of the spectrum, we have excessive involvement in oneself, where all focus is on personal feelings, thoughts, and desires. These individuals are preoccupied with themselves to the exclusion of others, which often leads to negative outcomes in personal and professional relationships.
In between these two extremes is the balance we should all aim for—where an individual takes care of their own needs but also shows concern for others. Maintaining this balance is key to fostering healthy relationships and avoiding the pitfalls of extreme narcissism.
Unfortunately, some people struggle to thread this needle. Here are three major signs that someone may have crossed the line into unhealthy narcissism.
1. Self-Preoccupation
The first and most obvious danger sign of unhealthy narcissism is self-preoccupation. This is where an individual becomes overly absorbed with their own life, feelings, and desires to the detriment of others. This could be a boss, a friend, or even a family member, and they rarely show genuine interest in the lives or needs of those around them. They may fail to ask questions about your well-being, rarely express empathy, and show little consideration for your thoughts or concerns.
When you’re dealing with someone who is self-preoccupied, you can feel it—there’s an unmistakable imbalance in the relationship. You may feel as if the relationship revolves entirely around them and their needs. These individuals may come across as distant or uncaring, and conversations often feel one-sided. Over time, being around someone like this can leave you feeling emotionally drained or even invisible.
Pay attention to your own feelings in these interactions. Do you feel cared about? Do you sense a balance in the relationship? If you’re the one always giving and they’re always taking, it’s a red flag. While self-care is important, when someone is excessively self-involved, it erodes the health of the relationship.
2. Dominance and Control
The second danger sign of unhealthy narcissism is self-dominance, a trait where the narcissistic individual consistently dominates interactions and relationships. Dominant behavior can manifest in overt or covert ways, but regardless of the form it takes, the result is the same: the narcissistic individual gets what they want, often at the expense of others.
Dominance often leads to feelings of intimidation or overwhelm in those who are on the receiving end. Whether it’s a friend who always insists on making decisions without considering your input, or a colleague who bulldozes through meetings to ensure their ideas are prioritized, the narcissistic individual has a way of pushing others into the background. If you feel consistently overlooked, bypassed, or sidelined in a relationship, it’s likely that dominance is at play.
In extreme cases, this dominance can lead to feelings of powerlessness. You may find yourself walking on eggshells, afraid to speak up for fear of being dismissed or ridiculed. Relationships with dominant individuals often feel suffocating, as their need for control leaves little room for mutual respect or collaboration.
While it’s natural for people to have preferences and desires, healthy relationships involve negotiation and give-and-take. In contrast, unhealthy narcissism leads to a rigid power dynamic where the narcissist always gets their way.
3. Excessive Self-Control and Rigidity
The third sign to watch out for is excessive self-control, which often presents as rigidity. Narcissists with excessive self-control are inflexible in their behavior and expectations. They have an “it’s my way or the highway” attitude, leaving no room for compromise or collaboration. Whether it’s how things should be done at work, how social events should be organized, or even minor decisions like where to eat, the narcissist’s way is the only way.
This rigidity can make relationships with narcissistic individuals feel stifling. There’s little space for spontaneity, creativity, or differing opinions. Anyone who attempts to deviate from the narcissist’s expectations may be met with anger, disappointment, or outright dismissal.
Healthy individuals can express their needs and desires while also considering the needs and desires of others. They are open to negotiation and recognize the importance of compromise. Narcissistic individuals, on the other hand, struggle to do this. Their excessive need for control creates an environment where others feel unheard and marginalized.
Balancing Narcissism with Self-Care
So, is narcissism all bad? No, it’s not. As mentioned earlier, healthy narcissism involves self-awareness and self-care. It’s about taking care of your needs and desires while also being mindful of the needs and desires of others. This balanced approach leads to relationships that are collaborative, supportive, and mutually beneficial.
However, when narcissism tips into self-preoccupation, dominance, and rigidity, it becomes destructive. If you find yourself in a relationship with someone exhibiting these traits, it’s essential to recognize the danger and take steps to protect yourself.
How to Respond
When dealing with an unhealthy narcissist, it’s important to intervene. This may involve confronting the individual about their behavior, asserting your own needs, or even distancing yourself from the relationship. If their narcissism is causing significant harm, you may need to walk away altogether.
In some cases, simply speaking up and setting boundaries can make a difference. However, be prepared for pushback, especially if the individual is deeply entrenched in their narcissistic behaviors. They may resist your efforts to establish balance in the relationship, but it’s crucial to prioritize your own well-being.
Ultimately, while narcissism in small doses can be part of a healthy self-concept, when it becomes excessive and unchecked, it damages relationships and the people around them. Recognizing the danger signs and knowing how to respond can help you protect yourself from the negative impact of unhealthy narcissism.
To learn how we can help, reach out to us at (206) 219-0145 or info@marriagerecoverycenter.com to speak with a Client Care Specialist
Also read: 5 Ways We Enable Bad Behavior and How to Stop it!
About Dr. Hawkins:
The internet is inundated with hyperbole and misinformation about narcissism, leaving many people confused and hopeless. Get the facts on narcissism and emotional abuse from someone who has been researching, writing about and treating narcissism and emotional abuse for over a decade.
Dr. Hawkins is a best-selling author and clinical psychologist with over three decades of experience helping people break unhealthy patterns and build healthier relationships.
He is the founder and director of the Marriage Recovery Center and the Emotional Abuse Institute which offers education, training and counseling for people who want to break free of, and heal from, emotional abuse. Whether the perpetrator of the abuse is your spouse, partner, parent, boss, friend or family member, we offer practical advice for anyone trapped in a toxic, destructive relationship.
In addition to narcissism & emotional abuse, you’ll learn about the lesser known forms of abuse, including covert abuse, reactive abuse, spiritual abuse, secondary abuse, relationship trauma and much more.
