Emotional abuse, especially at the hands of a narcissist, leaves deep and lasting scars. For many victims, the idea of entering or reentering therapy for emotional abuse is fraught with fear and anxiety. This is not just about revisiting painful memories but also about the terrifying possibility of encountering a therapist who might not understand or, worse, inadvertently inflict further harm. As Dr. David Hawkins elucidates, the journey to healing for these individuals is perilous and requires careful navigation.
The Core Fear: Can I Trust You?
For a victim of emotional and narcissistic abuse, the question “Can I trust you?” is paramount. This is not a casual inquiry but a plea for safety. Victims often experience brain fog, exhaustion, and confusion, making their stories seem unclear even to themselves. The fear that a therapist might dismiss their experience or, worse, treat it as a two-way street where both parties are equally culpable is a significant barrier to seeking help.
The Five Essential Steps for Victims
Dr. Hawkins provides a crucial framework for victims to follow when seeking therapy:
1. Vet the Professional’s Experience
The first step is to question the therapist, pastor, or counselor about their experience with narcissism and emotional abuse. It is essential to ensure that the professional is not just generally experienced but specifically knowledgeable about these issues. Understanding the nuances of narcissistic behavior and emotional abuse is critical to providing effective and empathetic support.
2. Test the Waters
Sharing a small part of their story can help victims gauge the therapist’s response. Do they validate the victim’s experience? Do they show compassion and offer reassurance? The therapist should acknowledge the courage it takes to share such a painful history and demonstrate a genuine understanding of the trauma involved.
3. Proceed with Caution
Victims must proceed very cautiously. Their story is incredibly important, and they need to be assured that the therapist understands the depth of their trauma. It is also crucial to determine whether the therapist is trauma-informed and aware of the specific dynamics of emotional and narcissistic abuse.
4. Test Trust Repeatedly
Trust should be tested repeatedly throughout the therapeutic process. As victims share more of their story, they need to observe the therapist’s reactions. Are the questions insightful? Does the therapist show compassion and familiarity with the issues at hand? Trust is not granted once; it must be earned consistently.
5. Recognize the Unidirectional Nature of Abuse
Understanding that narcissistic and emotional abuse is not a two-way street is critical. Victims need assurance that the therapist acknowledges that the abuse was not mutual. Narcissistic and emotional abuse involves one party dominating and demeaning the other, not a balanced exchange of grievances.
The Risk of Secondary Abuse
One of the most damaging experiences for a victim can be encountering a therapist who fails to grasp the unidirectional nature of the abuse. This misunderstanding can lead to what is known as secondary abuse or double abuse. When a therapist suggests that the situation is a “two-way street” or insists on being “fair” to both parties, they inadvertently validate the abuser’s actions and invalidate the victim’s experience. This can retraumatize the victim and compound their feelings of helplessness and confusion.
Differentiating Bad Behavior from Abuse
It is crucial to differentiate between bad behavior and abuse. Bad behavior might involve occasional hurtful actions or mistakes, but abuse is a consistent pattern of behavior designed to dominate and control the victim. Emotional abuse involves systematically undermining the victim’s self-worth and autonomy. Therapists must understand this distinction and convey it clearly to their clients.
Ensuring Safety in Therapy
For therapy to be effective, victims need to feel safe. This safety comes from knowing that the therapist understands the specific dynamics of narcissistic and emotional abuse and is committed to supporting the victim without judgment. Therapists should be trauma-informed and equipped to handle the complex emotions and experiences that victims bring to the therapy sessions.
The Dangers of Therapy for Emotional Abuse
The journey to recovery for victims of emotional and narcissistic abuse is fraught with challenges. Finding a competent and empathetic therapist is crucial, but it requires careful vetting and cautious engagement. Victims must be empowered to question and test their therapists, ensuring that their need for validation, compassion, and specialized understanding is met. Only in such a supportive environment can they begin to heal from the profound wounds of abuse. As Dr. Hawkins emphasizes, the path to healing is not a two-way street but a journey that acknowledges the unique and unidirectional nature of the abuse suffered.
To learn how we can help, reach out to us at (206) 219-0145 or info@marriagerecoverycenter.com to speak with a Client Care Specialist
Also read: Is Denial A Form of Gaslighting?
About Dr. Hawkins:
The internet is inundated with hyperbole and misinformation about narcissism, leaving many people confused and hopeless. Get the facts on narcissism and emotional abuse from someone who has been researching, writing about and treating narcissism and emotional abuse for over a decade.
Dr. Hawkins is a best-selling author and clinical psychologist with over three decades of experience helping people break unhealthy patterns and build healthier relationships.
He is the founder and director of the Marriage Recovery Center and the Emotional Abuse Institute which offers education, training and counseling for people who want to break free of, and heal from, emotional abuse. Whether the perpetrator of the abuse is your spouse, partner, parent, boss, friend or family member, we offer practical advice for anyone trapped in a toxic, destructive relationship.
In addition to narcissism & emotional abuse, you’ll learn about the lesser known forms of abuse, including covert abuse, reactive abuse, spiritual abuse, secondary abuse, relationship trauma and much more.
