In the complex world of relationships, particularly those involving emotional abuse, there is a recurring pattern often observed. This pattern involves the emotional abuser, frequently a narcissist, acting out in harmful ways and then behaving as if the incident never occurred

This tactic can leave the victim feeling confused, invalidated, and gaslighted. Dr. David Hawkins analyzes this phenomenon and replies to the common question, “Is denial a form of gaslighting?”, providing insights into why it happens and offering practical steps for addressing it.

The Abuser’s Denial: A Common Pattern

It’s not uncommon for victims of narcissistic and emotional abuse to report scenarios where their abuser loses their temper, engages in ranting or raving, and then later acts as if nothing happened. Dr. Hawkins shares a typical example:

“A victim might say, ‘Oh my goodness, yeah, he lost his temper and just started ranting and raving. I walked out of the room and told him I wouldn’t sit with this anymore.

Sometime later, he gave a half apology, and then in the days that followed, he didn’t bring it up again. He didn’t ask how I was or acknowledge that this has happened many times over the history of our relationship. He didn’t put the pieces together in a coherent manner.’”

This behavior leaves the victim baffled and questioning their reality, a classic sign of gaslighting. The abuser’s refusal to acknowledge the recurring nature of their behavior contributes to an environment of confusion and emotional turmoil.

The Importance of a Coherent Story

To combat this pattern of denial and gaslighting, Dr. Hawkins emphasizes the necessity of creating a coherent story. Coherence means that all the pieces of the narrative fit together in a logical and consistent manner. This coherence is crucial for both the victim and the perpetrator of abuse.

Step 1: Create a Coherent Story

Whether you are the perpetrator of abuse or the victim, it is essential to create a coherent story. Identify the patterns of behavior that happen repeatedly. These patterns need to be recognized and acknowledged as part of the ongoing relationship dynamics.

For victims, understanding and recognizing these patterns is a step toward regaining control and clarity. It’s about piecing together the repeated instances of abuse to see the bigger picture.

For perpetrators, acknowledging these patterns is a critical step toward recovery. Denial and acting as if these incidents are isolated events prevents meaningful change. Recognizing the patterns allows for the development of strategies to address and alter harmful behaviors.

Step 2: Share Your Story

Once a coherent story is established, it’s important to share it. Victims should share their stories with trusted friends, therapists, support groups, and, if appropriate, with their abuser. Sharing the story helps to validate their experiences and fosters a supportive environment.

Perpetrators, too, need to share their coherent story. Admitting to the patterns of abuse is a step toward accountability and recovery. It’s not about having these patterns thrown back at them but about facing them honestly and openly. Just as individuals in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or Narcotics Anonymous (NA) share their stories as part of their recovery process, perpetrators of abuse need to incorporate their harmful patterns into their narratives.

Step 3: Foster Trust Through Coherence

Creating and sharing a coherent story is not just about recognizing and admitting to past behaviors. It’s also about fostering trust that genuine change is possible. When all the pieces fit together and are openly acknowledged, it builds a foundation for trust and accountability. This coherence reassures all parties involved that the changes are real and lasting.

The Role of Gaslighting in Denial

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where the abuser attempts to make the victim doubt their perception of reality. By denying that an incident occurred or minimizing its impact, the abuser makes the victim question their memory and judgment. This tactic is a powerful tool in maintaining control over the victim.

Dr. Hawkins’ insights highlight that denial, a common tactic of narcissists, is a form of gaslighting. The abuser’s refusal to acknowledge their recurring behavior creates a distorted reality for the victim. This can lead to significant emotional distress and a sense of isolation.

Overcoming the Impact of Gaslighting

Overcoming the impact of gaslighting and denial requires both awareness and action. Here are some steps to consider:

1. Recognize the Patterns: Identify the recurring behaviors and acknowledge them. Understanding that these are not isolated incidents but part of a larger pattern is crucial.
2. Validate Your Experiences: Trust your perception of reality. Seek support from friends, family, or therapists who can help validate your experiences.
3. Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries with the abuser. Make it known that certain behaviors are unacceptable and will not be tolerated.
4. Seek Professional Help: Therapy can be an invaluable resource for both victims and perpetrators. A therapist can help victims process their experiences and develop coping strategies. For perpetrators, therapy can provide tools for behavior change and accountability.
5. Document Incidents: Keep a journal of incidents, including dates, times, and details. This can help in recognizing patterns and validating your experiences.

Is Denial A Form of Gaslighting?

Denial is a powerful tool in the arsenal of a narcissistic abuser, serving to gaslight and manipulate the victim. Recognizing and addressing this behavior is crucial for both victims and perpetrators. By creating a coherent story, sharing it openly, and fostering trust through acknowledgment and accountability, meaningful change can occur.

Dr. Hawkins’ insights offer a pathway to understanding and overcoming the harmful effects of denial and gaslighting in relationships.

To learn how we can help, reach out to us at (206) 219-0145 or info@marriagerecoverycenter.com to speak with a Client Care Specialist

Also read: Does Your Relationship Feel Like Walking on Eggshells and Landmines?

About Dr. Hawkins:

The internet is inundated with hyperbole and misinformation about narcissism, leaving many people confused and hopeless. Get the facts on narcissism and emotional abuse from someone who has been researching, writing about and treating narcissism and emotional abuse for over a decade.

Dr. Hawkins is a best-selling author and clinical psychologist with over three decades of experience helping people break unhealthy patterns and build healthier relationships.

He is the founder and director of the Marriage Recovery Center and the Emotional Abuse Institute which offers education, training and counseling for people who want to break free of, and heal from, emotional abuse. Whether the perpetrator of the abuse is your spouse, partner, parent, boss, friend or family member, we offer practical advice for anyone trapped in a toxic, destructive relationship.

In addition to narcissism & emotional abuse, you’ll learn about the lesser known forms of abuse, including covert abuse, reactive abuse, spiritual abuse, secondary abuse, relationship trauma and much more.