Scapegoating is a deeply damaging and often overlooked aspect of emotional and narcissistic abuse. It occurs when an abuser shifts blame onto another person, portraying themselves in a positive light while casting their victim in a negative one. This manipulation can be subtle or overt, and it often results in profound emotional and psychological harm to the person being scapegoated.

To fully understand scapegoating, we must first examine emotional abuse and how the two are intricately linked.

Understanding Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is a pattern of behavior that involves verbal attacks, manipulation, and control over another person. Unlike physical abuse, it does not leave visible scars, but its impact can be just as devastating. Some key characteristics of emotional abuse include:

• Constant criticism and belittling
• Manipulation and gaslighting
• Power and control over the victim
• Preoccupation with the abuser’s own needs at the expense of the victim
• Repeated patterns of abusive behavior rather than isolated incidents

Emotional abuse is often sustained over time, making it difficult for victims to recognize the extent of the damage until they are deeply entrenched in the toxic dynamic.

What is Scapegoating?

Scapegoating is a specific form of emotional abuse in which the abuser projects blame onto their victim. This can take various forms, including:

• Blaming the victim for problems they did not cause
• Misrepresenting the truth to make themselves look good and their victim look bad
• Subtly manipulating friends, family, or community members to turn against the victim
• Gaslighting the victim into questioning their own perception of reality

This behavior is often seen in narcissistic relationships, where the abuser refuses to take responsibility for their actions and instead shifts blame onto their partner, family member, or even a colleague.

The Subtle Nature of Scapegoating

Scapegoating can be so subtle that even those closest to the situation may not recognize it. A common scenario involves an emotional abuser, often a husband or partner, who presents himself in a positive light while slowly discrediting his partner.

He may drop seemingly innocent comments to family, friends, or even children that paint his partner as irrational, overly sensitive, or emotionally unstable. Over time, this manipulation leads others to doubt the victim’s experiences. The victim, in turn, begins to feel isolated and even questions her own perception of events.

A woman caught in a scapegoating dynamic may find that those around her minimize her concerns. They might say things like:

• “Are you sure you’re not exaggerating? He doesn’t seem that bad.”
• “Maybe you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”
• “He’s such a good guy; maybe you’re overreacting.”

These reactions further deepen the victim’s confusion and distress. Meanwhile, the abuser continues to maintain his public image as a kind, upstanding individual.

Why Do Abusers Scapegoat?

Abusers engage in scapegoating because it serves their need for control and self-preservation. They are often in denial about their behavior and genuinely believe they are being unfairly criticized. Some key motivations behind scapegoating include:

• Avoiding Accountability: By shifting blame onto the victim, the abuser avoids taking responsibility for their own actions.
• Protecting Their Image: Many emotional abusers are highly concerned with how they are perceived by others. By portraying themselves as the “good guy,” they maintain social credibility.
• Manipulating Others: Through subtle and persistent tactics, the abuser influences others to view them as the victim rather than the perpetrator.
• Reinforcing Control: The more the victim is doubted and invalidated by others, the harder it becomes for them to seek help or escape the abusive dynamic.

Abusers may also repeat statements like:

• “Just let it go.”
• “You need to forgive and forget.”
• “Why do you keep bringing this up?”

These comments serve to silence the victim while reinforcing the abuser’s narrative.

The Effects of Scapegoating

Scapegoating is not just emotionally damaging—it can be utterly oppressive. Victims often experience:

1. Self-Doubt

The victim begins to question whether their experiences are real. When everyone around them is dismissive of their concerns, they may wonder if they are the problem.

2. Isolation

Scapegoating can lead to social isolation. Friends and family may distance themselves from the victim, believing the abuser’s version of events.

3. Emotional and Psychological Distress

Victims of scapegoating often suffer from anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. The ongoing manipulation can make them feel helpless and hopeless.

4. Damage to Reputation

When an abuser successfully convinces others that the victim is irrational or overly emotional, the victim’s reputation may suffer. This can have long-term consequences in both personal and professional relationships.

5. Oppression and Powerlessness

The combined effect of scapegoating is an overwhelming sense of oppression. The victim feels powerless to change how they are perceived and may struggle to find support.

Breaking Free from the Scapegoating Cycle

Escaping the role of the scapegoat is extremely challenging, especially when the abuser has successfully manipulated others into believing their narrative. However, recovery is possible with the right approach. Some steps to take include:

1. Recognize the Pattern

Understanding that scapegoating is happening is the first step toward breaking free. Once a victim identifies the cycle, they can begin to see through the manipulation.

2. Seek Support

Finding a trusted friend, therapist, or support group can be invaluable. A professional who understands emotional abuse can help the victim regain their sense of reality and self-worth.

3. Set Boundaries

If possible, the victim should limit contact with the abuser and avoid engaging in arguments or justifications. Boundaries help protect mental and emotional well-being.

4. Document the Abuse

Keeping a journal or record of interactions can help validate the victim’s experiences. This can be especially useful if they need to seek legal or professional support.

5. Rebuild Self-Esteem

Scapegoating takes a serious toll on a person’s self-worth. Engaging in activities that foster confidence and self-care can help rebuild a healthy self-image.

Final Thoughts

Scapegoating is a devastating and insidious form of emotional abuse that leaves victims feeling isolated, powerless, and doubting their own reality. Because it is often subtle, many people fail to recognize it for what it is, allowing the abuser to maintain their false image while the victim suffers in silence.

Understanding scapegoating is the first step toward healing. Recognizing the signs, seeking support, and setting boundaries can help victims reclaim their identity and break free from the cycle of abuse. No one deserves to be scapegoated, and with the right resources, survivors can move toward a healthier, more empowered future.

In our next discussion, we will explore how to overcome the effects of being scapegoated and reclaim personal power from an emotionally abusive situation.

To learn how we can help, reach out to us at (206) 219-0145 or info@marriagerecoverycenter.com to speak with a Client Care Specialist

Also read: Can People Change When They Don’t Want To?

About Dr. Hawkins:

The internet is inundated with hyperbole and misinformation about narcissism, leaving many people confused and hopeless. Get the facts on narcissism and emotional abuse from someone who has been researching, writing about and treating narcissism and emotional abuse for over a decade.

Dr. Hawkins is a best-selling author and clinical psychologist with over three decades of experience helping people break unhealthy patterns and build healthier relationships.

He is the founder and director of the Marriage Recovery Center and the Emotional Abuse Institute which offers education, training and counseling for people who want to break free of, and heal from, emotional abuse. Whether the perpetrator of the abuse is your spouse, partner, parent, boss, friend or family member, we offer practical advice for anyone trapped in a toxic, destructive relationship.

In addition to narcissism & emotional abuse, you’ll learn about the lesser known forms of abuse, including covert abuse, reactive abuse, spiritual abuse, secondary abuse, relationship trauma and much more.