In part 1 of this blog (which you can read here), I wrote about the pressure some of you wives may feel to come up with the list of behaviors that your husband needs to change. I encouraged you to take inventory of where he’s gone wrong and what needs to change and share that list with him. When your husband steps up to the plate to take responsibility for his own behavior, he sets a much more effective stage for healing. If he does not take any responsibility, and, instead, leaves it up to you to define the needed changes to make your marriage safe and desirable, the question then becomes "What do I do now?”  The answer isn’t easy, and it involves taking enough of an emotional step back to observe what he puts on his list and how he follows through. Pay attention to his markers for change His own internal motivation to change—If you are his motivation, then the changes will last only as long as you are prodding him along. What happens when he doesn’t get what he wants—If he is simply working to get a favorable response from you, he’s missing the point. What he does when he fails—There is no room for excuses anymore. Who is responsible for “catching” the failures—He should be hypervigilant about his behavior and the necessary changes. When he fails, it will mean exponentially more to you if he catches his bad behaviors, rather than you having to point them out. How does he regroup and refocus—You need transparency from him but should not be his mentor or accountability partner. What standard is used to determine what is “working"— Is this just about appeasing you? Or is his character growth and heart change the goal and standard? Don’t Ignore Your Own Healing As you are watching for those markers, you can be doing your own work to heal and grow as well. It will look like guarding your own heart, so that it isn’t being silenced, squashed, or turned into a bitter mess. A huge part of the work is rebuilding your own sense of self, identifying who you are and what direction your path is taking you. You will also get good practice grieving, so I recommend you learn to grieve well—not only the tangible losses, but the intangible hopes, beliefs, dreams, and the reality of who he is showing himself to be. Don’t deny reality. Look at what you’re feeling, what you’ve lost and how you’ve been changed by this. Use it to better inform what steps to take next. And remember, you don’t have to figure it all out for him. You’ve told him what’s wrong a million times; now it’s time for him to step up to the plate. Do you want lasting change in your marriage? We can help bring that about in our online program for couples, Path of Renewal. Together with your spouse, you’ll work toward healing deep wounds, gain new tools for communicating with empathy, and becoming the couple you want to be! {{ vc_btn: title=LEARN+MORE&shape=square&i_align=right&i_icon_fontawesome=fa+fa-angle-double-right&add_icon=true&link=url%3Ahttps%253A%252F%252Fmarriagerecoverycenter.com%252Fpath-of-renewal-online-intensive-marriage-counseling%252F%7Ctitle%3APath%2520of%2520Renewal%2520Online%253A%2520Intensive%2520Marriage%2520Counseling%7C%7C&css=.vc_custom_1570633608689%7Bmargin-top%3A+10px+%21important%3B%7D }}

Mary is a typical client. She has spent years looking for ways to better connect with her husband, Joe. She’s read numerous books and articles. She subscribes to relationship blogs and Facebook pages. She’s counseled with her pastor and consulted with her closest friends. She’s begged Joe to talk, to understand, to make her a priority and then behave like it. She’s prayed for hope and for God to change him. She has cried countless tears. And she is exhausted from trying to make the relationship different. Joe finally agrees to counseling, probably the result of a precipitating event in which she made it clear she’s done with the way things are. Usually, he comes saying he’ll do whatever it takes to work on the marriage. He seems very amenable, and agreeable, and ready to “work”…except for one thing: he puts it on HER to decide what needs to be fixed.

Many of our blogs identify the narcissist as “him” and the victim as “her.” While most of our content leans that way, and most of the couples who seek our help lean that way, the reality is, not all narcissists are men, nor are women the only victims. We are all, male and female, quite capable of being absolutely arrogant, carelessly emotionally destructive, and acrimoniously self-protective. And the outcome is the same: relationships marred by trauma, brokenness, and deep pain. We end up in relationships that are shallow, void of connection, and wracked with fear and confusion.