As a younger man I often heard things like “winning is not everything, It’s the only thing.” Who wants to lose? Many men seem to equate being gentle and patient with loss. But the truth is, self-promotion is loss, and lifting others up is winning. Many of the men who join our program, The Core, think they’re always right; everything is and should be as they see it. They will say things like, “A good wife, a Christian woman, should just submit.” They often feel they’re being controlled and respond by blaming their wives for forcing them to do something. But the wives also complain about being controlled and manipulated.

Do you ever find yourself acting contrary to what you know is good or what you really want to be about? Or perhaps you know someone who says the right things and seems to present good intentions, but, in fact, they do not actually do much that is consistent with such beliefs. I call this self-deception.

Ed sat across from me in an intensive session, not able to wrap his head around the idea that his wife desperately needed him to have some sort of feelings for her. A long marriage, kids, and financial success were in the balance, as she was ready to divorce him because he could not express any kind of deeper emotion and was stoic and cold. I could see him struggling with this notion that he had feelings and needed to share them. One of the first things I do in counseling is see where your deep feelings begin to come forth. We all have feelings, even if they are denied or pushed aside. I can’t make much progress until you trust me enough to tell me what is going on and how it hurts. I have had men who can put up walls and defend themselves for hours. But it does little good to talk to a counselor if you don’t discuss your feelings.